Jokes

[Robin]

the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:



Damn it, Mom! It's The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

[Robin]

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and
group of builders.

It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of
people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot.

One day Willie Smith and a gang of building workers turned up to start
building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old
daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next
door and started talking with the workers.

She Hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay
envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her
'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she
had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to
the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and
the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men
building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the
House again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said..............





"I think so. Provided those c**ts at Jewson deliver the f***ing bricks"

[Swinging bee]

You must have a Double! Saw you the other day, shouted, waved, whistled but got no response. You Just carried on scratching your arse and eating your banana!

[Sheepman]

Here's one that I don't understand at all

Why do women have legs?




You've seen the mess snails make?

[Rhythm King]

Originally Posted by Sheepman

Here's one that I don't understand at all

Why do women have legs?




You've seen the mess snails make?

Oh dear... Still, if we're going down that route:

Why do women parachutists have to wear a box?

So they don't whistle on the way down.

Sorry

[Gill (Norwich)]

Who says the aussies dont have a sense of humour.

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"

which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form

and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by

Quantas' Pilots (marked with a P ) and the solutions recorded by the M aintenance engineers (marked with an M ).

(By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

M: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

M: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

M: Took hammer away from midget

[Icey]

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't p1ss out of it," the man replied. The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

[senorita]

SMART CATS:

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.


But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?". The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee-Break, do your stuff. "Coffee-Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[DianaS]

Okay so whats the name of the most common owl?...

Answer: teat
Teat owl

[senorita]

The Ferrari

A young man goes to buy the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GT. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" " Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" he states proudly. The old moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly Whoosh! something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, unbelievably the old man is still alive! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers... "UNHOOK...MY...SUSPENDERS...FROM...YOUR...SIDE VIEW....MIRROR!"

[Ronde!]

Originally Posted by Msfab

ok seeing as im on my way to australia (currently in Singapore in a Zombie like state - so may not make any sense! )

Whats the difference between Yogurt and Australia?

Yogurt has a Culture!

to All Aussies!

Heeeeeeyyy...

[DianaS]

This may have benn posted before but hey!

This test has only one question, but it's an important one. By giving
an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in
which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer
needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

TEST

You are in Miami, Florida. There is chaos all around you caused by
a hurricane with severe flooding.



This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist
working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this
epic
disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.



You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and
people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature
is
unleashing
all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the
water.



He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the
debris. You move closer . . .

Somehow the man looks familiar and you suddenly realise who it is.



It is George W. Bush!



At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to
take him under, forever. You have two options:

you can save the life of G.W.Bush or you can shoot a dramatic,
Pulitzer Prize winning photo,

documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.





So here's the question, and please give an honest answer.




Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

[David Bailey]

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 019 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL your beer.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

> *** > WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *** >

And if you don't send this to 5,000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

> Send this warning to everyone!!! >

> THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! >

> Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! >

> And look at you - you're on the computer! >

[DianaS]

hi all

you SO need to know this
Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit that this one is important. Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list.
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, do NOT show him your bum. This is a scam - he only wants to see your bum.

I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap. Protect your selves and your loved ones
D

[David Franklin]

Donald Rumsfield is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazillian soldiers
were killed".

"Oh my God!" exclaims President Bush. "That's terrible.
How am I going to explain that to the American people?".

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
watching as the president sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "Exactly how
many is a brazillion?"

[Baby Peaches]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted

[Zuhal]

And on the sleeping car theme.

A newly married couple find themselves in a four berth sleeper in opposite top bunks.

Much whispering results in the man suggesting that he has something long and hard that his bride can us to cross the void.

A voice from below says “ arhh but how while she get back?”

Zuhal

[DianaS]

It was my birthday last week and I didn't feel very well waking up that
morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.


As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy
birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will
remember.


My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the
office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning, boss,
happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had
remembered. I worked until one O'clock and then Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your
birthday. Let's go out to lunch, just you and me."


I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's
go!"


We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined
instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously on the way back to the office, Jane
said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go back to
the office, do we?"


I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"


She said, "Let's go to my apartment."


After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right
back."


"OK," I nervously replied.


She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my
friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".





And I just sat there...





On the couch...





Naked

[senorita]

SIX YEAR OLDS

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class, and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known
Proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the Proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders,6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Don't change horses.............................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the......................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before......................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of.......termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but........how?
6. Don't bite the hand that.........................looks dirty.
7. No news is.............................................imp ossible.
8. A miss is as good as a.........................! ..Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new............math.
10. If you lie down with dogs you'll.............stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust.......................................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the................pig.
13. An idle mind is.....................................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's...............pollution.
15. Happy the bride who..........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is...............................not much.
17. Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what...........you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not.......spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed.................get new batteries.
23. You ! get out of something only what you..........see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind.............get out of the way!

and the WINNER is!!!!

25. Better late than.................................





Pregnant

[doc martin]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.. Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.. A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.