Jokes - Page 63

doc martin · 6th-October-2005, 12:18 PM

He said .... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said ... You wear pants don't you?

He said .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said .... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said ... I would but you're never there.

He said .... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said ... They don't have time.

He said .... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said ... We don't know; it has never happened.

He said .... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ... They already have boyfriends.

He said .... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
She said ... A widow.

He said .... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

**under par** · 6th-October-2005, 12:44 PM

Why We Love Children (some rather cute stories.)

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I ****ed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room"
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy"

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

Robin · 6th-October-2005, 01:47 PM

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one
for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more
was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water.

**Donna** · 6th-October-2005, 02:04 PM

Here's a couple I was told the other night!

Bob Geldof, Ozzy Osbourne and Michael Jackson on the Titanic. They hit an iceberg, and they start to sink!!

Bob shouts, 'Quick!!! Save the children!!!

Ozzy shouts, 'F*** the children!'

Michael said, 'Have we got time?'

This one was told to me by a bloke..obviously.

LATEST NEWSFLASH - Woman found dead in a suitcase at the bottom of the mersey.

Who said men can't pack!!!

**under par** · 6th-October-2005, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Donna

This one was told to me by a bloke..obviously.

LATEST NEWSFLASH - Woman found dead in a suitcase at the bottom of the mersey.

Who said men can't pack!!!

Why obviously?? can't woman be murderers too..... a bit of sexism there me feels

**Donna** · 6th-October-2005, 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by under par

Why obviously?? can't woman be murderers too..... a bit of sexism there me feels

Ah but you see it wouldn't have been right if I said 'man dead in suitcase at bottom of mersey, who said women can't pack beecause...women can pack can't they???

*Swinging bee* · 6th-October-2005, 03:06 PM

Kate Moss was at a party when she met Jeremy Clarkson. She said " I think I know you from the television, what are you on?" Clarkson replied " I'm on top gear."
"Oh goody" she said, " Can I have a couple of ounces."

*Dance Demon* · 6th-October-2005, 03:18 PM

If anyone fancies a night out next week, I've managed to get a couple of half price tickets for the Two Ronnies.........

**ShinyWeeStar** · 6th-October-2005, 03:42 PM

@ under par's

@ Robin's

senorita · 7th-October-2005, 09:25 AM

A Jamaican is strolling down the street in Kingston and kicks a
bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.

The Jamaican is stunned, and the Genie says,

"Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Jamaican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking rum."

Finally the Jamaican says, "Is rum me like fe drink, make me pee
rum." man!

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Jamaican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and
pees in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. The ting look
like rum. The ting smell like rum. He takes a taste and it is the

best rum he has ever tasted.

The Jamaican yells to his wife, "Beverly, Beverly, come quick nah
man."

She comes running down the hall and the Jamaican takes another
glass out of the cupboard and pees in it.

Drink up woman, is rum! Beverly is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.

It is the best rum she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Jamaican comes home from work and tells his wife
to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee in the
two glasses. The result is the same, the rum is excellent, and the
couple drinks until sun up.

Friday night comes, and the Jamaican comes home and tells his wife,

"Beverly tek one glass and we will drink rum."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Jamaican begins to pee in the glass. When he done fill it, 'im
wife ask, "But Winston, why is one glass tonite?"

Winston raise the glass and say, "Because tonite my love, you drink
from de bottle.

**stewart38** · 7th-October-2005, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by senorita

A Jamaican is strolling down the street in Kingston and kicks a
bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.

The Jamaican is stunned, and the Genie says,

"Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Jamaican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking rum."

Finally the Jamaican says, "Is rum me like fe drink, make me pee
rum." man!

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Jamaican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and
pees in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. The ting look
like rum. The ting smell like rum. He takes a taste and it is the

best rum he has ever tasted.

The Jamaican yells to his wife, "Beverly, Beverly, come quick nah
man."

She comes running down the hall and the Jamaican takes another
glass out of the cupboard and pees in it.

Drink up woman, is rum! Beverly is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.

It is the best rum she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Jamaican comes home from work and tells his wife
to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee in the
two glasses. The result is the same, the rum is excellent, and the
couple drinks until sun up.

Friday night comes, and the Jamaican comes home and tells his wife,

"Beverly tek one glass and we will drink rum."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Jamaican begins to pee in the glass. When he done fill it, 'im
wife ask, "But Winston, why is one glass tonite?"

Winston raise the glass and say, "Because tonite my love, you drink
from de bottle.

Sorry thats just a hard act to swallow

LMC · 7th-October-2005, 02:29 PM

There's been lots of questions about IT recently, and the forum software upgrade caused glitches for a few people as well. So can I recommend that everyone replaces their PCs or Macs with an Etch-a-Sketch? FAQ below...

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

Stuart · 9th-October-2005, 12:20 PM

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and, after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for five nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her "Melbourne".

"So am I ... what suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he says.

"That's amazing" she says, "So am I - what street?".

"Cameo Street" he replies.

"This is unbelievable" she says "What number?".

"Number 20" he says, and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!".

"I know" he says "Your Father gave me $1000 to give to you".

**under par** · 13th-October-2005, 10:22 AM

A true story apparently:

Australian radio

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in
Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
The game is called"Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work
and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3
random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner
(with phone number) for verification.
If their partner answers those same three questions
correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the
City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate
Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the
Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only
please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever
have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8
o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is
staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the
time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not thats great?? That is more adventure than the
previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get
this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this". 3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinko's."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air
right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian
knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know
the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,
Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will
be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us. Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went
to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to
protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one
question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did
you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a
station break"

absolutely killed me!

**Baruch** · 25th-October-2005, 12:11 AM

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get 3 wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him 3 things I would want....a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

One year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're OK."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thanks. I did that fer yer golf game, you know; and tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf. If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

Golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wantin' to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes two times a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only one, sometimes two times a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

**stewart38** · 25th-October-2005, 03:20 PM

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home
and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the
nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a
window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while
she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her
up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other
side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes
on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new
home. They ask, "So, Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you all
right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Whitebeard · 25th-October-2005, 11:07 PM

Courtesy of John Gimble in Bristol (Sorry Baruch, it may be my scotch sodden state, but this had me rollin'.)

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?

Dog: "Doin' alright"

Villager: (Look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play"

Villager: (Look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"

Villager: (Total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a f*ck!n liar!"

**Baruch** · 26th-October-2005, 10:59 AM

'S OK, Whitebeard. I'm secure in my sexuality. Now, where did I leave my wellies and velcro gloves?

(Does that mean I'm allowed to post English jokes too?)

doc martin · 28th-October-2005, 04:25 PM

The Inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?

Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good poin

6th-October-2005, 12:18 PM	#1241 (permalink)
doc martin Registered User Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: fife Posts: 335 Status: No Status Rep Power: 2 Rep.: 419	He said, she said He said .... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said ... You wear pants don't you? He said .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said .... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said ... Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said .... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said ... I would but you're never there. He said .... Why don't women blink during foreplay? She said ... They don't have time. He said .... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? She said ... We don't know; it has never happened. He said .... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? She said ... They already have boyfriends. He said .... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? She said ... A widow. He said .... Why are married women heavier than single women? She said ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

6th-October-2005, 12:44 PM	#1242 (permalink)
under par Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Worthing Posts: 5,958 Status: No Status Rep Power: 5 Rep.: 2418	Re: Jokes Why We Love Children (some rather cute stories.) 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I **ed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room" A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy" 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." 6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?" 7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy **! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." 10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

6th-October-2005, 01:47 PM	#1243 (permalink)
Robin Ceroc DJ Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: londonish Posts: 604 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 160	Re: Jokes A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.

6th-October-2005, 02:04 PM	#1244 (permalink)
Donna Senior Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Wrexham, North Wales. Posts: 3,495 Status: No Status Rep Power: 2 Rep.: 573	Re: Jokes Here's a couple I was told the other night! Bob Geldof, Ozzy Osbourne and Michael Jackson on the Titanic. They hit an iceberg, and they start to sink!! Bob shouts, 'Quick!!! Save the children!!! Ozzy shouts, 'F*** the children!' Michael said, 'Have we got time?' This one was told to me by a bloke..obviously. LATEST NEWSFLASH - Woman found dead in a suitcase at the bottom of the mersey. Who said men can't pack!!!

6th-October-2005, 03:06 PM	#1247 (permalink)
Swinging bee Commercial Operator Join Date: May 2004 Location: Deal Kent (Overlooking the sea) Posts: 576 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 163	Re: Jokes Kate Moss was at a party when she met Jeremy Clarkson. She said " I think I know you from the television, what are you on?" Clarkson replied " I'm on top gear." "Oh goody" she said, " Can I have a couple of ounces."

6th-October-2005, 03:18 PM	#1248 (permalink)
Dance Demon Commercial Operator Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,563 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 800	Re: Jokes If anyone fancies a night out next week, I've managed to get a couple of half price tickets for the Two Ronnies.........

6th-October-2005, 03:42 PM	#1249 (permalink)
ShinyWeeStar Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Perth Posts: 1,936 Status: Under information overload... Blog Entries: 2 Rep Power: 2 Rep.: 519	Re: Jokes @ under par's @ Robin's

7th-October-2005, 09:25 AM	#1250 (permalink)
senorita Registered User Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Bedford Posts: 1,043 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 504	Re: Jokes A Jamaican is strolling down the street in Kingston and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Jamaican is stunned, and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Jamaican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking rum." Finally the Jamaican says, "Is rum me like fe drink, make me pee rum." man! The Genie grants him his wish. When the Jamaican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. The ting look like rum. The ting smell like rum. He takes a taste and it is the best rum he has ever tasted. The Jamaican yells to his wife, "Beverly, Beverly, come quick nah man." She comes running down the hall and the Jamaican takes another glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. Drink up woman, is rum! Beverly is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best rum she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Jamaican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee in the two glasses. The result is the same, the rum is excellent, and the couple drinks until sun up. Friday night comes, and the Jamaican comes home and tells his wife, "Beverly tek one glass and we will drink rum." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Jamaican begins to pee in the glass. When he done fill it, 'im wife ask, "But Winston, why is one glass tonite?" Winston raise the glass and say, "Because tonite my love, you drink from de bottle.

7th-October-2005, 02:29 PM	#1252 (permalink)
LMC Registered User Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: In the corner Posts: 4,508 Status: No Status Rep Power: 4 Rep.: 2319	Re: Jokes There's been lots of questions about IT recently, and the forum software upgrade caused glitches for a few people as well. So can I recommend that everyone replaces their PCs or Macs with an Etch-a-Sketch? FAQ below... Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it.

9th-October-2005, 12:20 PM	#1253 (permalink)
Stuart Registered User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Reading Posts: 1,015 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 192	Re: Jokes An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and, after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for five nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him, so she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her "Melbourne". "So am I ... what suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he says. "That's amazing" she says, "So am I - what street?". "Cameo Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable" she says "What number?". "Number 20" he says, and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!". "I know" he says "Your Father gave me $1000 to give to you".

13th-October-2005, 10:22 AM	#1254 (permalink)
under par Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Worthing Posts: 5,958 Status: No Status Rep Power: 5 Rep.: 2418	Re: Jokes A true story apparently: Australian radio Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called"Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?" Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have." DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please." Contestant: "Brian." DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?" Brian: "Yes." DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?" Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married." DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please." Brian: "Sara." DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?" Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work." DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!" Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..." DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes." DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake." Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?" Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..." DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..." DJ: "Uh huh..." Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: "On the kitchen table." DJ: "Not thats great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this". 3 minutes of commercials follow. DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....) Clerk: "Kinko's." DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?" Clerk: "This is she." DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?" DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?" Sarah: "No." DJ: "Good!" Brian: (laughing) Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us. Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?" Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work." DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8 this morning." DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe." DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?" Brian: "Just tell him, honey." DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?" Sarah: "Well..." DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it? Sarah: "Up the arse....." After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break" absolutely killed me!

25th-October-2005, 12:11 AM	#1255 (permalink)
Baruch Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Pontllanfraith, South Wales Posts: 1,952 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 676	Re: Jokes An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get 3 wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him 3 things I would want....a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life." One year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're OK." "Oh, I'm fine now, thanks. I did that fer yer golf game, you know; and tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf. If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" Golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wantin' to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes two times a week." "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only one, sometimes two times a week?" "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish." __________________ To err is human, to moo bovine.

25th-October-2005, 03:20 PM	#1256 (permalink)
stewart38 Senior Member Join Date: May 2003 Location: Ambrosden it gets dark at night so suits me Posts: 6,562 Status: No Status Rep Power: 5 Rep.: 1794	Re: Jokes One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So, Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

25th-October-2005, 11:07 PM	#1257 (permalink)
Whitebeard Registered User Join Date: May 2004 Location: Too near to Heaven (or Hell) Posts: 1,995 Status: Doddering around Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 379	Re: Jokes Courtesy of John Gimble in Bristol (Sorry Baruch, it may be my scotch sodden state, but this had me rollin'.) An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk to your dog?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git" Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate? Dog: "Doin' alright" Villager: (Look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play" Villager: (Look of disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think" Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements" Villager: (Total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a f*ck!n liar!"

26th-October-2005, 10:59 AM	#1258 (permalink)
Baruch Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Pontllanfraith, South Wales Posts: 1,952 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 676	Re: Jokes 'S OK, Whitebeard. I'm secure in my sexuality. Now, where did I leave my wellies and velcro gloves? (Does that mean I'm allowed to post English jokes too?) __________________ To err is human, to moo bovine.