Jokes - Page 74

Crazy Russian · 23rd-January-2006, 01:16 PM

International air liner flies over the sea. Suddenly stewardess rushes into the cabin where the passengers are and says: "The air liner is being wrecked. It is necessary for three people to jump out of the plane. Otherwise we all die!".
At first stood up a Frenchman. He had drunk a glass of whiskey and shouting "Long live France!" jumped down.
Then stood up an Englishman. He had drunk the half of the bottle of whiskey and shouting "Long live the Queen!" jumped down.
At last stood up a Russian. He had drunk two bottles of vodka and shouting "Long live America!" threw out three Americans.

senorita · 23rd-January-2006, 02:41 PM

Once upon a time:
Three little ducks go into a Bar....................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball.

Been in and out of puddles all day.

What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too.

Been in and out of puddles all day myself.

What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,

"So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes .... . ....
"My name is Puddles !"

Crazy Russian · 23rd-January-2006, 04:35 PM

How French and Russian women keep an appointment.
Frenchwoman. If your appointment is made at 7 o'clock then she will come at 6.50 smelling of amazing perfume.You go to the cinema. Besides you buy tickets to sit in the last row. Certainly you kiss during all the film. Then you have supper at the best restaurant and then go to your home. If there is a bottle of wine on your table then she says that is her favourite wine. If the light in the room is bright then she asks you to put out the light because of its hurting her eyes. The night passes perfectly. She sleeps till the morning quietly. When you awake she brings the breakfast to your bed. When you go to work she says that she goes in the same direction and tells you where and when you can find her again...
Russian woman. If your appointment is made at 7 o'clock then she won't be there neither at 7 o'clock, nor at 7.20, nor at 7.30. At last she comes running at 8 o'clock tired, with half applied make-up and tells you that she is late because of her ill mum. You go to the nearest club and buy the tickets on the seats as far as possible from the other people for no one to recognize you. Then you hurriedly have a snack in any cafe and then go to your home. If there is a bottle of wine on your table then she says that she is teetotaller. If you are trying to put out the light then she says that you are mistaken about her and she is different. At 11 o'clock she goes away. At 11.30 she keeps on going away. At 12 o'clock she still goes away saying that her ill mum worries about her. At last at 12.30 you spend "perfect" night somewhere nearby the door-handle. At night she wakes up twice. For the first time to ask whether you love her or not. For the second time to find out what you think about her after all... In the morning when you wake up at 10 o'clock and understand that you are late hopelessly she still sleeps. When you wake her and carefully hint at it's high time to go she says that she like your home and she will never leave it...

**David Bailey** · 24th-January-2006, 09:31 AM

The joys of plastic surgery

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops in a newsagents and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the assistant, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 57," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the spotty faced individual behind the counter the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 57."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your jeans and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, what the hell and lets her slip her hand down his jeans. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 57."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

**Icey** · 24th-January-2006, 11:43 AM

This Kid will go far… A job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant in Florida; and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and ‘post-it’ notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That’s why I’m applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb blond supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

**WittyBird** · 24th-January-2006, 12:03 PM

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of
Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a
savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank
because, she said, she had a lot! of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She
placed her purse on his desk and replied,
"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been
able
to save so much money. The elderly woman
replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles
are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and
said,
"Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money
involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock
tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet
and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his
testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over
again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was
no
way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and
acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the
president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one
made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to
drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the
president. "Given the amount of money involved, you
should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against
the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that
and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that
around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the
balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

**WittyBird** · 24th-January-2006, 12:34 PM

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to
each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the
wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the
Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands. Then it was the
husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will
never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
years younger than me.

" The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish...

So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92
years old.

The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember
fairies are female

Crazy Russian · 24th-January-2006, 02:34 PM

-What is the difference between mistress and wife?
-20 kilogrammes.
-And what is the difference between loverman and husband?
-20 minutes.

Ha, ha, ha

Crazy Russian · 24th-January-2006, 02:36 PM

Ivan Sidorov, the watchman of one of the Russian museums, made amusing assumption regarding enigmatic smile of Mona Lisa. "It is not inconceivable that she was ordinary moron ", - said the "researcher" .

Crazy Russian · 24th-January-2006, 02:37 PM

Once wicked witch prophesied that the princess would take her last sleep having pricked her finger with needle when she was 16 years old. So the king ordered to chop off all the princess' fingers...

Crazy Russian · 24th-January-2006, 02:38 PM

Drunk man goes by bus standing near the rear entrance. The bus approaches the next stop. A nun comes running up to the bus and grips the hand-rail when the driver opens the doors. The drunkard see it and all of a sudden... kicks the nun's mug with all his might! The nun falls to earth prone. Her cloak opens wide.
-Ha!.. You are not so tough, Batman! - laughs the drunk.

TheTramp · 24th-January-2006, 02:48 PM

Does anyone else get the impression that folks in Russia have a different appreciation of what a joke is than the rest of us??

**WittyBird** · 24th-January-2006, 02:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheTramp

Does anyone else get the impression that folks in Russia have a different appreciation of what a joke is than the rest of us??

Glad I am not on my own

thought I was being overly stoopid

**philsmove** · 24th-January-2006, 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheTramp

Does anyone else get the impression that folks in Russia have a different appreciation of what a joke is than the rest of us??

Lets just say I have just found out how to use my ignore list

**under par** · 24th-January-2006, 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by philsmove

Lets just say I have just found out how to use my ignore list

I think this fellows english far outweighs the whole forums knowledge of Russian and at least he is trying . So the least you can do is give the new bloke a chance..

then put him your ignore list

**philsmove** · 24th-January-2006, 04:51 PM

Женатая пара в их начальной 60s была out празднуя их 35-й.
Свадебный годовщина в тихом, романтичном маленьком ресторане.
Вдруг, tiny еще прекрасный эльф появился на их столе и сказал.,
"Для того, чтобы быть такая образцовая женатая пара и для того, чтобы быть преданная.
Друг друга для всего этого время, я дам вам каждые желание."

"Ой, я хочу путешествовать вокруг света с моим милым мужем" сказал
Жена. Эльф помахал ее волшебной палочкой и -гомосексуалистом! - Два билета для
Королева Мэри ii роскошный лайнер появился в ее руках. Тогда это было
Мужа очередь. Он думал на минуту и сказал.:
"Итак, это все очень романтичное, но возможность like this будет.
Никогда приедьте опять. Я сожалею, что моя любовь, только мое желание иметь жену 30.
Годы более молодой чем я.

" Жена, и fairy, глубоко была разочарована, но желание
Желайте ..

Поэтому эльф помахал ее волшебной палочкой и -гомосексуалистом! - Муж стал 92.
Год старый.

Мораль рассказа : люди, которые ungrateful незаконнорожденный должен remem.

**Msfab** · 24th-January-2006, 05:07 PM

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...

**Baruch** · 24th-January-2006, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by under par

I think this fellows english far outweighs the whole forums knowledge of Russian and at least he is trying .

English language, yes. English-language humour, no. Some things just don't translate all that well.

Not that I'm putting the new guy down - it's the same for any language. I know some jokes that are funny in Welsh but would be completely pointless in English.

**under par** · 24th-January-2006, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by philsmove

Женатая пара в их начальной 60s была out празднуя их 35-й.
Свадебный годовщина в тихом, романтичном маленьком ресторане.
Вдруг, tiny еще прекрасный эльф появился на их столе и сказал.,
"Для того, чтобы быть такая образцовая женатая пара и для того, чтобы быть преданная.
Друг друга для всего этого время, я дам вам каждые желание."

"Ой, я хочу путешествовать вокруг света с моим милым мужем" сказал
Жена. Эльф помахал ее волшебной палочкой и -гомосексуалистом! - Два билета для
Королева Мэри ii роскошный лайнер появился в ее руках. Тогда это было
Мужа очередь. Он думал на минуту и сказал.:
"Итак, это все очень романтичное, но возможность like this будет.
Никогда приедьте опять. Я сожалею, что моя любовь, только мое желание иметь жену 30.
Годы более молодой чем я.

" Жена, и fairy, глубоко была разочарована, но желание
Желайте ..

Поэтому эльф помахал ее волшебной палочкой и -гомосексуалистом! - Муж стал 92.
Год старый.

Мораль рассказа : люди, которые ungrateful незаконнорожденный должен remem.

Is that for real ????

Ps I've heard funnier jokes but it must be the translation into that specific dialect

23rd-January-2006, 01:16 PM	#1461 (permalink)
Crazy Russian Registered User Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Stamford Bridge Posts: 167 Status: No Status Rep Power: 2 Rep.: 140	Re: Jokes International air liner flies over the sea. Suddenly stewardess rushes into the cabin where the passengers are and says: "The air liner is being wrecked. It is necessary for three people to jump out of the plane. Otherwise we all die!". At first stood up a Frenchman. He had drunk a glass of whiskey and shouting "Long live France!" jumped down. Then stood up an Englishman. He had drunk the half of the bottle of whiskey and shouting "Long live the Queen!" jumped down. At last stood up a Russian. He had drunk two bottles of vodka and shouting "Long live America!" threw out three Americans.

23rd-January-2006, 02:41 PM	#1462 (permalink)
senorita Registered User Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Bedford Posts: 1,043 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 504	Re: Jokes Once upon a time: Three little ducks go into a Bar.................... "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes .... . .... "My name is Puddles !"

23rd-January-2006, 04:35 PM	#1463 (permalink)
Crazy Russian Registered User Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Stamford Bridge Posts: 167 Status: No Status Rep Power: 2 Rep.: 140	Re: Jokes How French and Russian women keep an appointment. Frenchwoman. If your appointment is made at 7 o'clock then she will come at 6.50 smelling of amazing perfume.You go to the cinema. Besides you buy tickets to sit in the last row. Certainly you kiss during all the film. Then you have supper at the best restaurant and then go to your home. If there is a bottle of wine on your table then she says that is her favourite wine. If the light in the room is bright then she asks you to put out the light because of its hurting her eyes. The night passes perfectly. She sleeps till the morning quietly. When you awake she brings the breakfast to your bed. When you go to work she says that she goes in the same direction and tells you where and when you can find her again... Russian woman. If your appointment is made at 7 o'clock then she won't be there neither at 7 o'clock, nor at 7.20, nor at 7.30. At last she comes running at 8 o'clock tired, with half applied make-up and tells you that she is late because of her ill mum. You go to the nearest club and buy the tickets on the seats as far as possible from the other people for no one to recognize you. Then you hurriedly have a snack in any cafe and then go to your home. If there is a bottle of wine on your table then she says that she is teetotaller. If you are trying to put out the light then she says that you are mistaken about her and she is different. At 11 o'clock she goes away. At 11.30 she keeps on going away. At 12 o'clock she still goes away saying that her ill mum worries about her. At last at 12.30 you spend "perfect" night somewhere nearby the door-handle. At night she wakes up twice. For the first time to ask whether you love her or not. For the second time to find out what you think about her after all... In the morning when you wake up at 10 o'clock and understand that you are late hopelessly she still sleeps. When you wake her and carefully hint at it's high time to go she says that she like your home and she will never leave it...

24th-January-2006, 09:31 AM	#1464 (permalink)
David Bailey Formerly known as DavidJames Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Norf Lundin Posts: 14,247 Status: Yes Blog Entries: 1 Rep Power: 8 Rep.: 3830	Re: Jokes The joys of plastic surgery A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops in a newsagents and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the assistant, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 57," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the spotty faced individual behind the counter the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 57." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your jeans and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, what the hell and lets her slip her hand down his jeans. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 57." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds." __________________ Jivetango Godfather Inventor of the Masterclass Baboon-worrier extraordinaire

24th-January-2006, 11:43 AM	#1465 (permalink)
Icey Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Back from exam limbo Posts: 1,329 Status: No Status Rep Power: 2 Rep.: 655	Re: Jokes This Kid will go far… A job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant in Florida; and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash. SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I’m worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and ‘post-it’ notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That’s why I’m applying. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO 50lbs?: 50lbs. of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?” HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb blond supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries. __________________ I'm afraid so ... I'm an accountant. Just because it does up does not mean it fits!

24th-January-2006, 12:03 PM	#1466 (permalink)
WittyBird The Gobby one! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Geekville Posts: 6,874 Status: No Status Rep Power: 5 Rep.: 3079	Re: Jokes An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot! of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

24th-January-2006, 12:34 PM	#1467 (permalink)
WittyBird The Gobby one! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Geekville Posts: 6,874 Status: No Status Rep Power: 5 Rep.: 3079	Re: Jokes A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. " The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old. The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female

24th-January-2006, 02:34 PM	#1468 (permalink)
Crazy Russian Registered User Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Stamford Bridge Posts: 167 Status: No Status Rep Power: 2 Rep.: 140	Re: Jokes -What is the difference between mistress and wife? -20 kilogrammes. -And what is the difference between loverman and husband? -20 minutes. Ha, ha, ha

24th-January-2006, 02:36 PM	#1469 (permalink)
Crazy Russian Registered User Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Stamford Bridge Posts: 167 Status: No Status Rep Power: 2 Rep.: 140	Re: Jokes Ivan Sidorov, the watchman of one of the Russian museums, made amusing assumption regarding enigmatic smile of Mona Lisa. "It is not inconceivable that she was ordinary moron ", - said the "researcher" .

24th-January-2006, 02:37 PM	#1470 (permalink)
Crazy Russian Registered User Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Stamford Bridge Posts: 167 Status: No Status Rep Power: 2 Rep.: 140	Re: Jokes Once wicked witch prophesied that the princess would take her last sleep having pricked her finger with needle when she was 16 years old. So the king ordered to chop off all the princess' fingers...

24th-January-2006, 02:38 PM	#1471 (permalink)
Crazy Russian Registered User Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Stamford Bridge Posts: 167 Status: No Status Rep Power: 2 Rep.: 140	Re: Jokes Drunk man goes by bus standing near the rear entrance. The bus approaches the next stop. A nun comes running up to the bus and grips the hand-rail when the driver opens the doors. The drunkard see it and all of a sudden... kicks the nun's mug with all his might! The nun falls to earth prone. Her cloak opens wide. -Ha!.. You are not so tough, Batman! - laughs the drunk.

24th-January-2006, 02:48 PM	#1472 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,496 Status: No Status Rep Power: 6 Rep.: 1710	Re: Jokes Does anyone else get the impression that folks in Russia have a different appreciation of what a joke is than the rest of us??

24th-January-2006, 04:51 PM	#1476 (permalink)
philsmove Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Brizzel my love Posts: 1,781 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 611	Re: Jokes Женатая пара в их начальной 60s была out празднуя их 35-й. Свадебный годовщина в тихом, романтичном маленьком ресторане. Вдруг, tiny еще прекрасный эльф появился на их столе и сказал., "Для того, чтобы быть такая образцовая женатая пара и для того, чтобы быть преданная. Друг друга для всего этого время, я дам вам каждые желание." "Ой, я хочу путешествовать вокруг света с моим милым мужем" сказал Жена. Эльф помахал ее волшебной палочкой и -гомосексуалистом! - Два билета для Королева Мэри ii роскошный лайнер появился в ее руках. Тогда это было Мужа очередь. Он думал на минуту и сказал.: "Итак, это все очень романтичное, но возможность like this будет. Никогда приедьте опять. Я сожалею, что моя любовь, только мое желание иметь жену 30. Годы более молодой чем я. " Жена, и fairy, глубоко была разочарована, но желание Желайте .. Поэтому эльф помахал ее волшебной палочкой и -гомосексуалистом! - Муж стал 92. Год старый. Мораль рассказа : люди, которые ungrateful незаконнорожденный должен remem. __________________ “Where the man goes, the lady must follow...” Liz , Strictly Ballroom

24th-January-2006, 05:07 PM	#1477 (permalink)
Msfab Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: PhD land - Yippeee Posts: 1,102 Status: No Status Rep Power: 2 Rep.: 650	The Lonely Widow A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you ... you have no legs!" The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?" The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...