Jokes

[xSalsa_Angelx]

Today's Joke

2 women come out of a pub and are walking home when they really need to take a ****, so they decide to hop over the graveyard wall and **** in there. they both finish ****ing and the first one takes off her knickers and wipes with them and chucks em away. the 2nd says my knickers are too expensive for that, and reaches over to a wreath and takes the ribbon off and wipes herself.

The next day, one of the womens husbands phones the other womans husband and says "I'm keeping an eye on the misses..she came home last night with no knickers on!!" the 2nd guy says "thats nothing, mine had a card in her knickers which said 'from all the guys at the fire brigade, we'll never forget you!!!!'"

[Grant]

Originally posted by Graham
You're always making me out to be this nasty bully character, Grant, when really I'm just a warm cuddly kinda guy.

of course you are.
whenever i meet you, you are the epitome of a cool, urbane gent...
it's just on the forum that you sometimes turn into an attack dog

Grant

[Sal]

Originally posted by Grant

it's just on the forum that you sometimes turn into an attack dog

That, or an attack panther!

[xSalsa_Angelx]

> A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
>
> The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
>
> "Onions?"
>
> "Yes, see them and they make you cry."
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
>
> The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
>
> "A Christmas tree?"
>
> "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
>
>
>

[Steven]

A true story!

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead\0F
chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all\0F
travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo .scroll down...

....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
"Defrost the chicken!"




Cheers
Steven

[Sal]

A man stays out in the sun too long and suffers 2nd degree burns. He was rushed to hospital and seen by a doctor who prescribed saline drip to replenish his fluids, cooling ointment for the burns, and viagra.

Puzzled, the nurse asked the doctor why a burns patient needed viagra.

"To keep the sheets off his legs for a couple of hours!"

[Steven]

A woman meets a handsome man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute little bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is a bit surprised that a man would have such a collection of teddy bears, especially one so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him and is actually quite impressed that he can so freely express his sensitive side.

She turns to him ... they kiss .... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive man they are lying together in the afterglow, the woman leans in to him and whispers "Well, how was it?"

The man says..










"Not bad, help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

[xSalsa_Angelx]

LOL good joke steven..!!!

[Graham]

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 5 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*bhead?
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.
14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

[TheTramp]

Originally posted by Graham
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

Would you like fries with that Sir??

Steve

[Sandy]

A Linguistic professor in Ontario was discussing the structure of the

English Language telling his class: "In English, a double negative

forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double

negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a

double positive can form a negative."



To which a Scottish Voice piped up from the back: "Aye, right."



Sandy

[Sheepman]

There's this Tramp down our road, every morning when I walk past he says the same thing - "Any change?"

Every morning I give him the same reply. . .




"No, you're still a Tramp."

G

[TheTramp]

Originally posted by Sheepman
There's this Tramp down our road, every morning when I walk past he says the same thing - "Any change?"

Every morning I give him the same reply. . .

"No, you're still a Tramp."

G

All the best people are....

Steve

[Chris]

OK . . .

Mummy, today at school we did the alphabet, and most of the children could only get as far as a,b,c,d,e but I got as far as a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h!!

Is that cos I'm blonde?

Yes dear . . .


Next day

Mummy, today at school we did multiplcation tables amd the rest of the class got as far as five times five is 25 but I got as far as six times six is thirty-six!!

Is that cos I'm blonde?

Yes dear . . .


Mummy - today at the gym when everyone one got changed, all the others only had tiny breasts, but I've got THESE!!! (whips up top)

Is that cos I'm blonde?

No dear, that's cos you're twenty-three . . .

[Chris]

missed the (naughty but not too naughty I hope) animated piccie (don't know if it will come out this time)

[Jenna]

A man and a woman collide in a hotel lobby, the man turns to the woman and said " if your heart is as soft as your breast I know you'll forgive me."
The woman replies " If your dick is as hard as your elbow I'm in room 221"

[Debster]

OK, just got this one... don't know if you've seen it before... (sorry no time to reformat)

> A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets
> with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last
> questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realise it's

> tradition for men to dance with men and women to dance with women at the
> reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
> "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always
> dance separately."
> "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
> "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
> "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
> "Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to
> have children!"
> "What about different positions?" asks the man.
> "No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
> "Woman on top?" the man asks.
> "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
> "Doggy style?"
> "Sure! Another mitzvah!"
> "On the kitchen table?"
> "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
> "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of
> vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
> "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
> "Can we do it standing up?"
> "NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.
> "Why not?" asks the man.
> "Could lead to dancing."

[Sheepman]

Of course it can apply to other religions, but the Methodists don't waste much time on words - this is the version that I've heard:-

Why should you never have sex with a Methodist standing up? . . .
It could lead to dancing.

and another old one...

Did you know that Charles and Camilla are taking dance lessons, he always takes the lead, 'cos she's not allowed out without one!

Greg

[Chris]

For those who can enjoy Dilbert jokes . . .

[Alfie]

Q:- What is pink and hard?































































Answer:- A pig with a Flick knife