Jokes

[WittyBird]

a man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for
£500.00. So they spent the night together.

In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any
cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and
mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a cheque for £250.00 and
enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of £250.00 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment,
I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied.

2. There was plenty of heat.

3. It was small enough to make me cosy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following
reply.....

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

I will expect full payment due immediately or I will be forced to hire
someone to remove your furniture

[senorita]

WHAT DO WOMEN REALLY WANT? Read this carefully



Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.



The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.



He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.



Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.



But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.



The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.



The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!



Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.



He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.



He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.



Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:



What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.



Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.



And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.



The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened



The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.



Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?



Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?



What would YOU do?



What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
















Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.




Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.



Now....what is the moral to this story?












Scroll down












The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly!

[jiveknight]

some important issues:

why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

why can't a woman put on mascara with her mouth closed?

why is there only one monopolies commission?

why don't they make the rest of the plane out of whatever they make the blackbox out of?


Important; the above jokes in no way reflect the opinion or relative intelligence of the poster.



"I was watching a ballet at the city centre. I'm not a ballet fan at all, but they were doing the dying swan, and there was a rumour that some bookmakers had drifted into town and they had fixed the ballet. Apparently there was a lot of money on the swan to live." Woody Allen

[senorita]

To make a woman happy...... a man only needs to be



1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a gynecologist

15. a psychologist

16. a pest exterminator

17. a psychiatrist

18. a healer

19. a good listener

20. an organizer

21. a good father

22. Very clean

23. Sympathetic

24. Athletic

25. Warm

26. Attentive

27. Gallant

28. Intelligent

29. Funny

30. Creative

31. Tender

32. Strong

33. Understanding

34. Tolerant

35. Prudent

36. Ambitious

37. Capable

38. Courageous

39. Determined

40. True

41. Dependable

42. Passionate



WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:



43. give her compliments regularly

44. love shopping

45. be honest

46. be very rich

47. not stress her out

48. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:



49. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

50. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

51. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:



52. Never to forget:

· Birthdays

· Anniversaries

· Arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:



1. Leave him alone !!!

[WittyBird]

Bottle of Merlot

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there ," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in
your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He wrote & folded the note, handed it to
the waiter and instructed him to return this
to the woman.

It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and
a Porsche Turbo in my garage.
There is over twenty million dollars in my
bank account.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off.
Just send the bottle back!!!!

[Dance Demon]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer
and my sandwich please?".

"Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't
get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,

"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that could be just brilliant
in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money!".

"Yeah?” Says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus,” says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right,” replies the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the landlord

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah," the landlord replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck asks.

"Of course," the landlord replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" Asks the duck.

"That's right!” Says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "What the heck would they want with a
plasterer?”

[Tessalicious]

Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says:

"Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there, I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that.
Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00 - I think that we should buy the
lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling Them in Dublin so we would."

Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't. "

Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking And I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish, no he won't."

OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."
So the 2 visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Warren Mitchell impression;

"Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind, I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen in my 'Sky Rocket'."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"

Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be Jesus. Mary mother of Christ, if that ain't me best English accent ? How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?"

The Owner replies "This is a Dry Cleaners".

[stewart38]

Brain Pricing

At the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain. "The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

[Stuart]

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep
into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


What is the moral of this story?????............................





OH, come on...take a guess! .





Think about it







(You're going to love this!)



And the moral is...













You CAN'T kill two birds with one stone!!

[David Bailey]

Jesus is watching you!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[WittyBird]

How to prevent bird flu

[WittyBird]

FLORIDA OR THE MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........
And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida...?????"


CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!"


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the
first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[Crazy Russian]

Actually I haven't experienced the next joke 'cause I am a teetotaller and dislike even beer. But some my acquaintances told me that was true.


The quantity of vodka drunk (in milliliters):

100 ml - You want to begin from the very beginning and first of all you want to drink one more glass of vodka.

200 ml - You are overfilled with love for your neighbours. Especially if the neighbours are women.

300 ml - Your eyes are opened: all around are your brothers and friends. And you are ready to annihilate anyone who will try to offend them.

400 ml - All around are dolts and brutes.

500 ml - It is philosophical dose. Your brain is overfilled with brilliant ideas. But your odious mouth cannot translate them into English.

600 ml - You fly at a dizzy height where you (for some reason) feel sick.

700-800 mls - You remember nothing. But witnesses assure you that it was you who put everything into disorder, barroted and kicked up a row. So you think that Terminator probably is actually your relative.

900 ml - There appears a bitter feeling: your life is almost finished but a tree isn't built, a house isn't brought up, a son isn't planted. Then there appears a wish to change everything and to stand up. But you could only belch and lie down.

1000 ml - That's all. One more litre of vodka has just disappeared from the face of the earth.

[Crazy Russian]

The quantity of vodka drunk:

[Crazy Russian]

OK. Two more pics on that theme.

[Stuart]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

The bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering
with fear."

The lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of
me."

Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough once, and the entire
planet *****s itself."

[philsmove]

A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".
About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since Your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure,” said Paul.
So he sat down and wrote: DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER. LOVE PAUL.
Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother, which read:
DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW. LOVE MUM Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT)

[David Bailey]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners so you must abstain from sex for one whole month".

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon. Is there a problem ?" the pastor inquired..

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month" the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.
The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
The third week, however, was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible ... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
Then she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome back at Homebase, either."

[Piglet]

Not a joke, but it might make you laugh, or smile, or feel broody - women beware!

Very infectious.....makes your toes curl.....listen to it with the sound up.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...100&pr=goog-sl