Jokes

[Baruch]

Originally Posted by Crazy Russian

- Apocalypse will not happen.


- Why?


- God also wonders what all this will end with.

Not really humorous in English...

[philsmove]

job application at IKEA

[Crazy Russian]

Originally Posted by Baruch

Not really humorous in English...

I know... That's why I wrote: "Sad joke"...


Funny American laws:

(You know, they all really exist!!! I hope that no one posted them before me... )


Alabama:

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

Putting salt on a railway track may be punishable by death.

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant.

Peanuts are not allowed to be sold in Lee County, Alabama after sunset on Wednesdays.

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

It is legal to drive the wrong way on a one way street if you have a lantern on the front of your car.


Alaska:

You can't look at a moose from an aeroplane.

Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time.

Even though it is legal to hunt a bear, it is illegal to wake a bear and take a picture for photo opportunities.

It is an offence to push a live moose out of a moving aeroplane.

It is State Policy that all emergencies are held to a minimum.


Arkansas:

It is illegal to mispronounce Arkansas while in Arkansas


California:

Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

It is illegal to eat an orange in your bath tub

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits.


Colorado:

It is illegal for a woman wearing a red dress to be out on the streets after 7 p.m.


Connecticut:

You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

A pickle is not officially a pickle unless it bounces


Florida:

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.

It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday.

It is illegal to have sexual intercourse with a porcupine.

It is illegal for a woman to bungie jump naked on Sunday before midday.


Georgia

It is illegal to tie a giraffe to a lamp post.

It is illegal to take a bath of orange peel.


Hawaii:

In Hawaii you will be fined if you do not own a boat.


Illinois:

It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

It is illegal to eat in a restaurant if it is on fire.


Indiana:

Bathing is prohibited during the winter.

Citizens are not allowed to attend a cinema or theatre nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

In South Bend, Indiana, it is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

Men are not allowed to be "discernibly turgent" in public.


Iowa:

Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.

A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.

One-armed piano players must perform for free.

In Dubuque any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building.

In Indianola the ”Ice Cream Man” and his truck are banned.

In Fort Madison the fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.

In Marshalltown horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants.

Within the city limits of Ottumwa a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.


Kansas:

It is illegal to put ice cream on cherry pie in Kansas.

In Wichita, at the intersection of Douglas and Broadway, all motorists are required to stop at the intersection, exit their vehicles, and fire three shotgun rounds, before continuing on their way.

It is illegal to hunt whales.


Kentucky:

By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground".

It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

It is illegal to shoot game out of the window of a moving vehicle, with the exception of a whale

A woman can not buy a hat without the husband's permission


Louisana:

It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault", while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault".


Maine:

After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.

You may not step out of a plane in flight.

Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

In Augusta to stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.

In Portland shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.


Maryland:

You cannot swear while inside the city limits of Baltimore.

You cannot throw a bail of hay out of a second story window in Annapolis.


Massachusetts:

Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

You may not, at any time take a crap on your neighbour.

It is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder.


Michigan:

It is legal for the blind to hunt, and they don't need anyone with them.


Minnesota:

It is illegal to give or receive oral sex.

It is illegal to walk across the Minnesota-Wisconsin border with a duck on your head.

It is illegal to have sex in any other position other than missionary.

It is illegal to drive a red car down main street on Sundays.

It is illegal to have two or more forms of state issued identification.


Mississippi:

If an individual leaves his residence, or place of business, without the direct intent of injuring (killing) someone, they can not be tried for any offence.


Nebraska:

A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.


New Jersey:

In Newark it is illegal to buy ice cream after 6:00 p.m.

It's also illegal in this state to throw a bad pickle on the street.

In Berkley Heights you may not walk your cattle on the street on Sunday.


New Mexico:

Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

It has been outlawed for people to dance around a Sombrero.


New York:

A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

Jumping off a building is punishable by death (this includes the Empire State building).

It is illegal to shoot a rabbit from a moving trolley.


North Carolina:

Elephants may not be used to plough cotton fields.

All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart. Making love in the space between the beds is strictly forbidden.

If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.

It's against the law to sing off key.

A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent.

In Barber, North Carolina fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.

In Chapel Hill, North Carolina it is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly.

In Charlotte, NC, woman must have their bodies covered with at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

If a man and woman who are not married to each other live together "lewdly and lasciviously" they can be fined $1,000 and be sentenced to up to 60 days in gaol. This 200 year old law is still actually enforced!


North Dakota:

Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.


Ohio:

Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

In Columbus, Ohio it is illegal to sell cornflakes on Sunday.

In Marysville, Ohio it is illegal for a dog to urinate on a parking meter. (There are no parking meters in Marysville.)

It is illegal to fish for whales on Sundays.

It is legal to throw a snake at someone but it is illegal to shake a snake at someone.

It is illegal for women to wear footwear of any kind with an open toe.

It's against the law to kill a housefly within 160 feet of a church without a licence.

It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.

Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.

Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed.

No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.

It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.

The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.

Participating in or conducting a duel is prohibited.

Breast feeding is not allowed in public.

If you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.

No person while operating a motor vehicle shall fail to slow down and stop said vehicle when signalled to do so upon meeting or overtaking a horse-drawn vehicle or person on horseback and to remain stationary until such vehicle or person has passed, provided such signal to stop is given in good faith, under circumstances of necessity, and only as often and for such length of time as is required of such vehicle or person to pass, whether it is approaching from the front or rear.

Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.

A police office can write you a ticket for leavign your keys in your car. But relax he will leave you a note when you can come get your keys back so long as you can prove it's your car and your keys.

Bay Village - It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road.

Bexley - Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

Canton - It is a misdemeanor to play any game in a public park without the Superintendent's permission.

Canton - Electric fences are banned.

Cincinnati - Anal intercourse is banned.

Clinton County - Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines.

Cleveland - It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

Fairview Park - It's against the law to honk your horn "excessively". A grandmother was fined for honking her horn twice at her neighbour.

Fairview Park - Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission.

Ironton - Cross-dressing is against the law.

Lima - Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold.

Lowell - It is unlawful to run a horse over five miles per hour.

Marion - You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.

North Canton - It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police.

McDonald - Your goose may not paraded down Main Street.

Oxford - It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

Oxford - It is unlawful for a woman to appear in public while unshaven. This includes legs and face.

Paulding - A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him. However, the reverse is not true, even if it's a police dog.

Strongsville - Catch 22 is banned.

Youngstown - You may not run out of gas/petrol.


Oklahoma:

Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.

Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.

Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

It is illegal to kiss anyone of not purely American nationality on the 4th July.


Oregon:

You must let your dishes drip dry.


Pennsylvania:

A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.

No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

If a motorist sees a horse coming down the road, the driver must pull off to the side of the road and cover the vehicle with canvas. If the horse is still scared the driver must get out of his car and take it apart until the horse isn't scared any more.

In the Mount Pocono region any group of 5 or more Native Americans are to be considered a raiding party and may be killed on the spot.

In Philadelphia, you can't put pretzels in bags (based on an Act of 1760).

It is illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.

Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue.

All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires.

Every outlet or switch (which can be purchased for 59 cents) that is installed requires an electrical inspection fee of 1 dollar and 33 cents.

It is required that a woman have a permit to wear cosmetics.

Fireworks stores may not sell fireworks to Pennsylvania residents.


Rhode Island:

Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void.

It's illegal to purchase a garbage disposal made in Cape Verde under the State Constitution.


South Carolina

It is legal to beat your wife on a Sunday morning on the steps of the state house.


Tennessee:

It is illegal to catch a fish with a lasso.

Driving is not to be done while asleep.

It is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.

It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 p.m.

It is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners. It is also illegal to take unfinished pie home. All pie must be eaten on the premises.


Texas:

A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

It is legal to commit a homicide as long as you tell the person when, and how you are going to kill them.

In Houston you cannot buy beer after midnight on Sunday, but you can buy it on Monday.

There is an old law in Texas that states you are unable to tuck your pants into one boot unless you own ten or more cattle.

It is illegal to spit on the sidewalk.

If two trains going in opposite directions on the same track meet each other, one can't move until the other does. [

It is illegal to carry a pair of wire-cutters in your back pocket.

In Dallas County it is illegal to own any realistic looking, phallic shaped, personal massager more than one foot in length.

In Corpus Christie it is illegal to raise alligators in your home.

It is illegal to have an open container in a car. (It doesn't specify alcohol, it just says an open container.)

It is illegal to have anything protruding from your bumper unless it is attached with a chain (so bumper stickers are a no-no).

It is legal for the blind to go hunting as long as they have someone with them who isn't blind. (Compare with the similar law in Michigan.)

It is legal for a husband to beat his wife as long as he uses something no bigger than his thumb.

When you are released from jail, you must be given a horse and a shotgun, if you request it.

It is legal to fire a gun at someone if they are handed it to them by the victim first.

In Galveston, if you sit on the sidewalk, you could be fined $200.

It is illegal to milk another persons cow.

It is illegal to shoot a buffalo from the 2nd story of a hotel.

It is illegal to drive without windscreen wipers. You don't need a windscreen but, you must have the wipers.

The entire Encyclopedia Brittannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.


Vermont:

Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week -- on Saturday night.


Washington:

All lollipops are banned.

A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town".

"It shall be unlawful for a candidate for office or for nomination thereto whose name appears upon the ballot at any election to give to or purchase for another person, not a member of his or her family, any liquor in or upon any premises licensed by the state for the sale of any such liquor by the drink during the hours that the polls are open on the day of such election."

It is illegal to deflower a virgin even on their wedding day.

It is illegal to catch a fish by throwing a rock at it.

In Seattle it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over 6 feet in length.

In Seattle if a woman is sitting on a man's lap while riding a bus, train, or trolley, there must be a pillow between them.

In Bellingham it is illegal for a woman to take any steps that are not in the backwards direction while dancing.


West Virginia:

No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions".

It is illegal to put an ice cream cone in your pocket on Sundays.

[Piglet]

Originally Posted by Crazy Russian

Texas:

It is legal to commit a homicide as long as you tell the person when, and how you are going to kill them.

In Houston you cannot buy beer after midnight on Sunday, but you can buy it on Monday.

If two trains going in opposite directions on the same track meet each other, one can't move until the other does. [

It is legal for a husband to beat his wife as long as he uses something no bigger than his thumb.

It is illegal to drive without windscreen wipers. You don't need a windscreen but, you must have the wipers.

Brilliant CR! My favourite's gotta be Texas although a few others made me snicker! (Mind you I thought I'd never get to the end of the post - got to be one of the longest ever! Congrats!)

One of them reminded me of a school show last week. I was sat with my class behind a group of 5 to 6 year olds and noticed one of them (a boy of course!) pinging something at one of my children.

I tapped him on the shoulder, as I saw him raise his hand to do it again, and asked him to give me what he had in his hand.

He refused. His teacher then asked him to hand it to her. He refused.

She asked him to show her what he had in his hand. I thought it was a piece of paper...

It was a boogie (or booger as those loveable Americans like to call them).

At that point I swapped looks with his teacher and we both decided he could keep it

[David Bailey]

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive, depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features, and when she is menstruating she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump jammed up his arse.

[Dance Demon]

Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!

-----------------------

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that
beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection
every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I
finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd
get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so
if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her
doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"


"I kicked her in the face."

[David Bailey]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really?" said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-sh&t"

[Dance Demon]

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150." The man thought about it and told the undertaker that he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150."

The man replied, "A long time ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later He rose from the dead......I just can't take that chance."

[under par]

Subject: When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this


When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from
work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the
phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing
and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the
thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become
chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in
small print there is a statement, "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT
IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS.

[Crazy Russian]

The next occasion is said to have taken place indeed :


Once George W. Bush visited hog-breeding farm. He was photographed in pigsty.

The pressmen couldn't decide for a long time how to name the photo: either "Bush among pigs" or "Pigs around Bush".


In the upshot the photo was named:

"The third one from the left is Mr. Bush".

[Crazy Russian]

Show me your "Temporary Internet Files" and I will tell you who you are.

[ShinyWeeStar]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.". I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!". So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.". She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?". Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit.". We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it.". Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!". I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[philsmove]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
"There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or ´That´s Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

[Piglet]

I apologise if these have been posted before...

LITTLE TONY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."


Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding
ring on," but I like your thinking."

[Piglet]

LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

[Piglet]

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable
word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

[Piglet]

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones,
I need to take a ****!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the pro! per word to use in
this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if

you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"