Jokes

[senorita]

(this was forwarded to me by Miss conduct, so I thought I would share it with you guys)

Subject: Women are so much smarter than men.......



When George found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick

father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening

he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had

ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.




"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her



"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20



million dollars."


Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days



later, she became his stepmother.


Women are so much smarter than men.......

[senorita]

A LESSON TO ALL EMPLOYEES WHO WORK WITH RUDE CUSTOMERS...





An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.



A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".



The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."



The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"



Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please" she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."





With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F...You!"





Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

[ben632664]

A bloke keeps ringing me and singing 'Stand And Deliver' down the line. I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant.

[Donna]

Viagra For The Elderly

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm Getting a tetanus shot."


Nude Gallery

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."

[Crazy Russian]

OK. Several jokes :


1.

How do you make an inexperienced recruit jump with a parachute for the first time?

To an American, you should say: “If you are a real man, you will jump!”.

To an Englishman, you should say: “Sir, this is a tradition”.

To a Frenchman: “This is a lady’s request”.

To a German: “This is an order!”

To a Russian you should say: “It is prohibited to jump!”








2.

A husband and his wife are talking:

Wife (angrily ): – You came home drunk again today! And I was so happy yesterday when I saw you sober!

Husband: – Well, today it’s my turn to be happy.








3.

German, American and Russian police are taking part in a competition to decide who’s best at catching criminals. They are given a task: a hare has been let loose in the forest, and they need to catch it.

German policemen establish a network of informers among the animals throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses, and after three months of hard work come to the conclusion that hares do not exist in nature.

Americans break into the forest, scour it for two weeks, cannot find the hare, burn down the forest, kill everyone including the hares, and leave without apologising.

Russians go into the forest for two hours and come back with a badly beaten bear who is crying: “Yes, I admit I’m a hare! Just stop beating me!”








4.

Question: – Why does no one like cops?

Answer: – For two reasons:

First, because of the subconscious subjective psychological intolerance which is based mainly on social preconceptions.

Second, because they are bastards.








5.

In the central square today there was a fight between a gang of masochists and a unit of special police force…

Both sides were said to have enjoyed themselves hugely.








6.

- Who will be the next American president?

- George Bush the Holy Spirit!








7.

True story told by Russian professor:


He worked in the USA in a firm related to high technologies.

Once he asked his American colleague:

- How much is "2 + 2 * 2" ?










The American professor replied:

- Eight.


The Russian professor (being a little bit perplexed) said:

- You are wrong. The right answer is "six"!


The American professor (in a high tone):

- EIGHT!


The Russian professor:

- No, six...


- EIGHT!!


- Six...


- EIGHT!!!


- You are wrong. Six...


(Interesting dispute between two professors, isn't it? )


At last the American professor suggested the following:

- Let's "ask" calculator!!!

- OK, - said the Russian.

- "2 + 2 * 2 = 8", - "replied" the calculator.


The American:

- Ha!!! You idiot, I was right!!!


The Russian (imperturbably):

- Maybe... But let's "ask" computer. Do you confide in computer more than in calculator?


(You know, Americans have only two holy things: a computer and a psychoanalyst.)


The American (spitefully smiling):

- OK!!!


The computer "replied":

- "2 + 2 * 2 = 6".

(Computers "know" the rule: first of all it is necessary to multiply (2 multiplied by 2 makes 4) and only then to add (to add 4 to 2). And the right answer is "six".)


The American... Oh... The American got so profound shock!!!


Probably he thought that someone above had changed something and FORGOT TO WARN HIM !!!



- Generally speaking, it was very funny, - told the Russian professor afterwards.

[ducasi]

Originally Posted by Crazy Russian

Generally speaking, it was very funny ...

Unfortunately many of your jokes aren't once they've been translated. (And who knows, maybe before too. )

[Dance Demon]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[Donna]

Originally Posted by Dance Demon

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[senorita]

YOU CANT OUT SMART A WOMEN!!

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a
week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I
will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue
silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did
exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking
good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why
didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

(You'll love the answer.................)

***************


**********


*******


***


The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box !!"

[Rhythm King]

From Human Resource files.... Actual quotes by Supervisors (allegedly)



1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig"

2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12) "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15) "He's been working with glue too much."

16) "He would argue with a signpost."

17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."

23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."

24) "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."


25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28) "One neuron short of a synapse."

29) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30) "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."

31) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

[philsmove]

Originally Posted by Rhythm King

From Human Resource files.... Actual quotes by Supervisors (allegedly)


."

32"It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."


33. "Got into the gene pool when the Lifeguard wasn't looking

[ShinyWeeStar]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in the country. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the indicators on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the car park empty, he pulled out of it and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[senorita]

Kids are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Greg, how would you spell "crocodile?"
GREG: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No Greg, that's incorrect.
GREG: Maybe it's incorrect, but you asked me how I spelled it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Ryan, what is the chemical formula for water?
RYAN: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: Ryan, what are you talking about?
RYAN: Well, yesterday you said it was H to O.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Hunter, name one important thing that we have today that we
didn't have 10 years ago.
HUNTER: Me !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Adam, why do you always get so dirty?
ADAM: Well, I guess it's because I'm a lot closer to the ground than
you are.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Beth, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BETH: I is...........
TEACHER: No Beth.....Always say "I am".....not "I is".
BETH: OK......."I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Alex, do you know why his father didn't punish
him?
ALEX: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Now, Macy, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
MACY: No Ma'am, I don't have to. My mom is a good cook.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Daniel, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's composition. Did you copy off of him?
DANIEL: No teacher, it's the same dog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Parker, what do you call a person who keeps on talking to people
who are no longer interested?
PARKER: A Teacher
_____

[TheTramp]

Originally Posted by senorita

TEACHER: Parker, what do you call a person who keeps on talking to people who are no longer interested?
PARKER: A Teacher

Funny!!

[Donna]

Think you're having a bad day?

Well then imagine this...

You're a siamese twin joined at the hip. Your brother is gay and your not. His lover is coming over and you only have one arse.

[ducasi]

One for the DJs and their groupies...

One DJ says to the other, "Do you want to go to a movie tonight?"
and the other one says, "I don't know, who's the projectionist?"

[under par]

Originally Posted by ducasi

One for the DJs and their groupies...

One DJ says to the other, "Do you want to go to a movie tonight?"
and the other one says, "I don't know, who's the projectionist?"

HELP

I am really struggling with this ....... Must have my David James head on


Can someone please explain the joke......p.l.e.a.s.e.!!

[Donna]

Originally Posted by under par

HELP

I am really struggling with this ....... Must have my David James head on


Can someone please explain the joke......p.l.e.a.s.e.!!

Oh, dear!

[senorita]

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This
is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad
day at work...think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was
sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.


Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to
make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what
happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my
job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea I wear a suit to
the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite
cool... So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered
industrial 'water heater'; this $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water
out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps
it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times
with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose
and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit
with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going
well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I
scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from
my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as
fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding
the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor
of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due
to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing
hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes
before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass
helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me
to rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my
ass was swollen shut.



Love Rob


So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job"...its not blooming working