Jokes

[azande]

Tsk tsk, not able to do it on your own?

[Aleks]

You men aren't the only ones who like to do it alone.....the difference is that we women are just as happy to group together.

[azande]

Believe me, we men are quite happy for you women to group together...

[under par]

Maths made easy with Manchester United

From The Official MUFC Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government's maths campaign.

1. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and Gary is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21mph and Gary can run at 16mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way.

2. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?

3. Ryan is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.

4. Manchester United are one of the giants of world club football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than Steaua Bucharest?
(For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)

4a. How many more times have Manchester United won the European Cup than Nottingham Forest?

5. Phil Neville has 30 international caps. If you take away the number of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?

6. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Ruud van Nistelrooy have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)

6a. Probability. Express the statistical probability of visitors to Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of opponents of Manchester United being awarded a penalty home or away, and then discuss if a penalty awarded to Manchester United would be awarded to their opponents in identical circumstances.

7. Mark "The Red" lives in Guildford. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead?
(Note: Round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds).

8. Alex had a hotel room booked in Glasgow for the Champions League Final. How much money did he lose when cancelling his reservation?

9. Ruud is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponents penalty area? (Note: Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However, answers such as, 'However much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees' are accepted.)

10. Alex has won it 1 time, Bob has won it 4. Alex has one, Bob does not. What am talking about? Explain your answer (because nobody else can).

11. Juan is a very lazy boy and often goes missing. Alex is very cross and wants to sells him. If Juan cost £28m to buy, how much do you think Alex sold him for? How many pennies did Alex lose?

12. What is the total number of chickens counted before they were hatched by Manchester United and their supporters who thought Real Madrid were a pushover.

[under par]

The Irish Baby

An Irishman is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds!

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Irishman just shrugs, "That's about average in Ireland, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Irish baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Irishman returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you.... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Irish father takes a slow swig from his Guinness, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised"

[Donna]

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

--------------
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

--------------------

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

---------------------

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

---------------------

[drathzel]

Originally Posted by Donna

Senorita where are you? Lets gang up on Azande!!!

I'm here, we can gang up! on him!

[drathzel]

Originally Posted by Aleks

You men aren't the only ones who like to do it alone.....the difference is that we women are just as happy to group together.

in every way!

[senorita]

Men are like....

1. Men are like ........Laxatives ..... They irritate the sh*t out of you.
2. Men are like .......Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ........Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .......Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .......Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ..... Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[Donna]

Originally Posted by senorita

Men are like....

1. Men are like ........Laxatives ..... They irritate the sh*t out of you.
2. Men are like .......Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ........Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ........Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .......Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .......Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ..... Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Way hey senorita! You've done it again! I especially like points 1. 2. 5. 6. 11. 12 and 13!!!!

I'm here, we can gang up! on him!

Well then that makes three of us so far then!

[Aleks]

Originally Posted by Donna

Well then that makes three of us so far then!

1 more than most men's fantasy already......anyone else care to join us?

[drathzel]

Originally Posted by Aleks

1 more than most men's fantasy already......anyone else care to join us?

Except RK, he had visions of three on the sofa, lets go for one more, any takers?

[senorita]

Toast of the night

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to

of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the
best

toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
prize for the Best
toast
of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life,

sitting in church beside me wife."

Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's
drinking
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled

leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other

night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know,

he's only been there twice in the last four
years. Once he fell
asleep,

and the other time I had to pull him by the ears
to make him come."

[senorita]

A plane is on it's way to Melbourne when a blonde
in economy
class gets up and moves to the First Class
section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and
asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she
paid for 'Economy' and that
she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and
tells the pilot
and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo
sitting in First Class
that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her
seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
explain that
because she only paid for Economy she is only
entitled to an economy
place and she will have to leave and return to her
original seat.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful,
I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it
was no use and
that he probably should have the police waiting
when they land to
arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to
reason. The pilot
says, 'You say she's blonde?'
'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and
I speak blonde!'
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear,
and she says,
Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves
back to her seat
in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed
and asked him what
he said to make her move without any fuss. The
pilot replied,
"I told her First Class isn't going to
Melbourne."

[philsmove]

copied from a post by Batman on the Bristol Forum

THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

Enjoy!!


! 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

[ToeTrampler]

A fella called Simon goes on ‘Stars in their eyes’. After limping across the stage he was introduced to the audience and the sad story behind his limp explained. A short while ago he was in a serious car accident and had lost both his legs. His uncle sat next to him was tragically killed. But thanks to the wonders of modern medicine they salvaged his uncle’s legs and transplanted them to Simon.

Anyway after the sob story it was time for the act. In the usual style the performer took hold of microphone and announced, ‘Tonight Matthew, I am going to be Simon and half uncle!’

[ToeTrampler]

A woman sitting at a restaurant in McKinney, Texas suddenly began to cough while eating a giant country-fried steak.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress and two cowboys at the next table turned to look at her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asked one of the cowboys.
The woman signalled 'No', desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No.' With that, the first cowboy walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue Up and Down the woman's behind.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
The cowboy slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his beer.

His partner said in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there HindLick Manoeuvre, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

[ToeTrampler]

An elderly couple was attending a church service, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Donna]

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.