Jokes

[Donna]

How does a squirrel keep his nuts dry?



He swims on his back!

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[Baruch]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear."

[Birlmeister]

Defence Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you on April 1 this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my porch on a warm Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honour, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little b******!

[Sand Dancer]

Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the
Farmers Bar, Tam turns to Shuie and says, "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o'gan
through life withoot an education. I'morn, I think I'll ging doon to
the community college and sign up for some classes."
Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who
signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History and logic.

"Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's at?"
The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"

"Aye"
"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a
Garden"
"That's true, I dee huv a Gerden."
"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think
logically that you would have a house."
"Aye, I dee huv a hoose."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."
"I huv a femily."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."
"Yer nae wrang!! I dee huv a wife !!"
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be
A heterosexual ?"

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazin' !! You were able to find a' that
oot jist 'cos I huv a strimmer."

Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturer's hand and
leaves to
meet Shuie at the pub. He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is
signed up
for Maths, English, History and logic.
"Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's at?"

Tam says, "I'll tell ye. Di ye huv a strimmer?"
"No."
"Well then, yer a poof."

[Stuart]

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say a few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the Police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived" said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession"

[senorita]

young man and his girlfriend want advice on contraception. they go to their
local family planning clinic, but the girl is too shy to go in, so the man says
that he will. He's only gone for a minute when he comes running back looking triumphant I didn't need to go in, he says to his girlfriend, it tells you all you need to know at the door: (for family planning,use rear entrance!)

[Dance Demon]

"Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half
wild,naturally beautiful with fertile deltas

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America , well developed and open
to trade

Between 31 and 35 she is like India , very hot, relaxed and
convincedof her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France . Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia , lost the war - haunted
by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia , very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia , with a glorious and
all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan . Almost everyone knows where it
is, but no one wants to go there


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
__________________

[Rhythm King]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was
challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the
Manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and continued

"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£124,237.64" said the Aussie lad.

The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64! What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that
twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to
buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend and I said........

'Well, since your weekend's f***ed, you might as well go fishing."

[Donna]

Tut Tut!

[Donna]

Q: How often does a Smurf bend over?

A: Once in a blue moon.

Sorry...

[Donna]

And again...

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[DavidB]

Apparently, it will take 7 days to make Gene Pitney a coffin from oak, but only 24 hours from balsa...

[WittyBird]

A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her:
Can we have sex ?"
No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She then stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says
I can tell you how to get to have sex with her !"
Yeah ?", says the hippy.
Yeah", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every
Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do
is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous
powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be
God"
The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
'I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low
about his face, "You must have sex with me"
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict
himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her
virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with
a flourish.
Ha-ha!," he cries. "I am the hippy!"
Ha-ha!," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver "

[WittyBird]

When not to clean your glasses look here Rather amusing

[ShinyWeeStar]

Originally Posted by WittyBird

When not to clean your glasses look here Rather amusing

Very clever!

[WittyBird]

How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a light bulb?

Three.......
One to change the bulb, one to buy the commemorative 2006
light-bulb changing football strip, and a third to drive the other two
back to Torquay.

[Donna]

Originally Posted by ShinyWeeStar

Very clever!

Tis a good un'! I quite like the pictures underneath too. Very clever.

[senorita]

Breaking News......
In attempt to eradicate bird flu, the irish have just bombed the canary islands!...
boom boom

[Donna]

Italian Mother

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, Mama can''t help but notice how pretty Anthony''s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his Mom''s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I''ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don''t suppose she took it, do you?"

Well, I doubt it, but I''ll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:

"Dear Momma, I''m not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I''m not saying that you didn''t take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,

Anthony"



Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.

"Figlio mio, I''m not saying that you ''do'' sleep with Maria, and I''m not saying that you ''do not'' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma"

[DavidB]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.

He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, "she replies. . . . "

She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."