Jokes - Page 87

**Martin** · 28th-April-2006, 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Piglet

Read this the other day and it made me laugh. Tis supposed to be true...

On my way to work one morning, while living in America, I was listening to a radio phone-in where the presenter attempted to provide instant solutions to callers' problems.

One lady had found a skunk in her basement and was terrified it would spray her if she approached it. "Leave a trail of breadcrumbs from your basement to your back garden" said the radio host. "That'll get rid of it." The woman thanked him profusely.

An hour later she called back. "I now have two skunks in my basement. What do I do?"

Now this is funny but also sad, I have 2 cats who live underneath my house most of the time, but are owned by the people next door

I can live with that BUT they keep pissing up the side of my BBQ (BBQ's are sacred in Aussie). Not sure where they do other stuff as I am not a gardener, but concern is gathering...

The neighbour opposite suggested milk and aspro (kills them off he sais).

Any less fatal, but cleaner BBQ sugestions????

PLEASE HELP!!!!

ps, they also think my car tyres are scratching posts!

**Baruch** · 29th-April-2006, 11:14 PM

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The
son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well
as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders
up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief,
the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts
into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The
patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!

Plop!!

Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses,
shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop
out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands
up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right
through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him
and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
*
*
*
*
(Wait for it)
*
*
*
*
(It's coming)
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
(Take a deep breath)
*
*
*
*
"He should've quit while he was a head!"

*Dance Demon* · 2nd-May-2006, 12:08 AM

Man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets
on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:"Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw
how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don'tcomplain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

senorita · 3rd-May-2006, 12:59 PM

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death Experience and seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(Wait for it!!!)

God replied : "I didn't recognise you."

Stuart · 5th-May-2006, 04:37 PM

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good Morning" said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

With that he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over her hall carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this manure from your carpet madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well" she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

**DavidY** · 6th-May-2006, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stuart

"Well" she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

It's interesting how jokes evolve. I remember reading this joke many times in old books where the punchline ended "..because we dont have electricity." However these days electicity is so ubiquitous in this country, even in remote rural areas, so the punchline changes to the more believable line about being cut off.

WittyBird · 8th-May-2006, 07:02 AM

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the 20
worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain =20
transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. "After a great
length of time, someone asked, Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, " $35,000 for a male brain, and $3200 for
a brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding
eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

WittyBird · 8th-May-2006, 07:06 AM

HEAVEN

An old lady dies & goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the
Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling
screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the
holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams
"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit
the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
You can't go there" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped & sodomized."
" Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

**DavidB** · 9th-May-2006, 04:49 PM

George W Bush has a heart attack. He dies. He goes to hell where The Devil has been waiting for him. "I've got a problem now" says The Devil. "You're on my list alright, but there is no more room here. You do definitely have to stay here for eternity, so here's what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, so you can take their place. But you have to decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon, who kept diving into a large pool of water, and surfacing over and over. And over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge-hammer and a pile of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day." commented George.

The Devil opened the third and last door. In it was Bill Clinton, lying naked on the floor with his arms tied over his head and his legs tied spreadeagled. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, OK, this my best option. The Devil just smiled and said;"Monica, you're free to go."

-----------------------------------------------------

I went to the hole-in-the-wall cash machine and there was an old lady at the screen, fiddling about with the number keys. She turned to me and said she wanted to check her balance. So I pushed her over and said: “No, it’s not too good, love.”

-----------------------------------------------------

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went off to play golf.

-----------------------------------------------------

A woman came home, screeching her car into the drive, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won £6 million on the National Lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or clothes for a cruise, or what?"
"I don’t care" she said. "Just get the hell out of my life."

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Marriage is an arrangement where one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

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A Polish immigrant applied for a Driving Licence. He had to take an eye sight test and the optician showed him a card with the letters:C Z W I X N O S T A C. "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish man replied, "Hey, I know the guy."

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

-----------------------------------------------------

A wife was frying eggs for her husband’s breakfast. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving."

-----------------------------------------------------

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, from North Carolina, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him with a comb. That afternoon, the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued him with a toothbrush. That afternoon, the Army dentist yanked out seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him with a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for the last 51 years

David Franklin · 9th-May-2006, 04:53 PM

Why does John Prescott have in common with Ikea?

Couple of dodgy screws and the whole cabinet falls apart!

**DavidB** · 12th-May-2006, 02:10 PM

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has swindled him for ten million dollars. This bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. He got the job in the first place as it was assumed that he would not be able to hear anything and thus never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather grills the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he takes his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "So, where is the $10 million you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

So the Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper, sweating, signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard."

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

**Donna** · 12th-May-2006, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DavidB

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has swindled him for ten million dollars. This bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. He got the job in the first place as it was assumed that he would not be able to hear anything and thus never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather grills the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he takes his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "So, where is the $10 million you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

So the Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper, sweating, signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard."

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Brilliant!

**DavidB** · 12th-May-2006, 02:29 PM

Smiles

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Courtney, the blonde from Essex, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought she was having her picture taken."

Blonde objector

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show with his dummy on his knee. He starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.

Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."

The End

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

**DavidB** · 12th-May-2006, 05:22 PM

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. He notices a very lifelike full-size bronze statue of a rat.

He asks, "How much for the bronze rat?" The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story".

The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walks down the street, carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him. Within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay. Looking round, he sees that there is a vast ocean of rats, now in the MILLIONS, all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.

Now quite scared, he runs fast to the edge of the Bay, and hurls the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze lawyer, a bronze project manager, a bronze Manchester United player, & anything French."

Stuart · 12th-May-2006, 06:46 PM

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what,
young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...

Don't mess with us OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

**Baruch** · 13th-May-2006, 11:26 AM

George W. Bush is dining with senior members of the royal family after a tour of Britain. During dinner, he turns to the Queen and says, "You know, I've been wanting to change the international image of the USA for some time now, and I think the best way to do that is to change its name. When I get back home, I'm going to set the wheels in motion for a name change to 'The Kingdom of America'."

The Queen replies, "You can't call the USA a kingdom."

"Why not?"

"You're not a king."

"OK," says Bush. Then, turning to Prince Charles, he says, "Well, I really enjoyed my visit to Wales, so I'll take my cue from that. I'll change the USA's name to the Principality of America."

"You can't call it a principality," replies Charles.

"Why not?"

"You're not a prince."

"Oh, all right then," replies Bush. "In that case, do any of you have any suggestions as to what I could call it?"

Prince Philip pipes up, "Aren't you doing rather well as a country?"

WittyBird · 14th-May-2006, 11:36 PM

NEW WEEKEND CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

sign up early and get a discount on registration

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

WittyBird · 14th-May-2006, 11:43 PM

Consultant or Prostitute
Are you a prostitute or are you a contractor/consultant ?

You work very odd hours.
You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
You are not proud of what you do.
Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
It's difficult to have a family.
You have no job satisfaction.
If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)
Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."
Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."

**Cruella** · 16th-May-2006, 08:17 AM

While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes
across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant
seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on
one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a
large thorn deeply imbedded. As carefully and as gently as he can he
removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The
elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face,
stares at him.

For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else
but being trampled. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away. For
years after the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day
...
One day the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they
approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks
over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the
man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs
tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure.

He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly
the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him
wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him.

Probably not the same elepha

29th-April-2006, 11:14 PM	#1722 (permalink)
Baruch Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Pontllanfraith, South Wales Posts: 1,972 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 696	Re: Jokes A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, * * * * (Wait for it) * * * * (It's coming) * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * (Take a deep breath) * * * * "He should've quit while he was a head!" __________________ To err is human, to moo bovine.

2nd-May-2006, 12:08 AM	#1723 (permalink)
Dance Demon Commercial Operator Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,572 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 822	Re: Jokes Man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don'tcomplain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!" His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

3rd-May-2006, 12:59 PM	#1724 (permalink)
senorita Registered User Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Bedford Posts: 1,044 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 504	Re: Jokes A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death Experience and seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live. Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" (Wait for it!!!) God replied : "I didn't recognise you."

5th-May-2006, 04:37 PM	#1725 (permalink)
Stuart Registered User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Reading Posts: 1,031 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 200	Re: Jokes A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good Morning" said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." With that he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over her hall carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this manure from your carpet madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well" she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

8th-May-2006, 07:02 AM	#1727 (permalink)
WittyBird The Gobby one! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Geekville Posts: 6,874 Status: No Status Rep Power: 5 Rep.: 3079	Re: Jokes In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the 20 worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain =20 transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. "After a great length of time, someone asked, Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, " $35,000 for a male brain, and $3200 for a brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

8th-May-2006, 07:06 AM	#1728 (permalink)
WittyBird The Gobby one! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Geekville Posts: 6,874 Status: No Status Rep Power: 5 Rep.: 3079	Re: Jokes HEAVEN An old lady dies & goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings. The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." You can't go there" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped & sodomized." " Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

9th-May-2006, 04:49 PM	#1729 (permalink)
DavidB The Oracle Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 2,144 Status: working too hard Rep Power: 5 Rep.: 1449	Re: Jokes George W Bush has a heart attack. He dies. He goes to hell where The Devil has been waiting for him. "I've got a problem now" says The Devil. "You're on my list alright, but there is no more room here. You do definitely have to stay here for eternity, so here's what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, so you can take their place. But you have to decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon, who kept diving into a large pool of water, and surfacing over and over. And over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge-hammer and a pile of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day." commented George. The Devil opened the third and last door. In it was Bill Clinton, lying naked on the floor with his arms tied over his head and his legs tied spreadeagled. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, OK, this my best option. The Devil just smiled and said;"Monica, you're free to go." ----------------------------------------------------- I went to the hole-in-the-wall cash machine and there was an old lady at the screen, fiddling about with the number keys. She turned to me and said she wanted to check her balance. So I pushed her over and said: “No, it’s not too good, love.” ----------------------------------------------------- One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went off to play golf. ----------------------------------------------------- A woman came home, screeching her car into the drive, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won £6 million on the National Lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or clothes for a cruise, or what?" "I don’t care" she said. "Just get the hell out of my life." ----------------------------------------------------- Marriage is an arrangement where one person is always right, and the other is the husband. ----------------------------------------------------- A Polish immigrant applied for a Driving Licence. He had to take an eye sight test and the optician showed him a card with the letters:C Z W I X N O S T A C. "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish man replied, "Hey, I know the guy." ----------------------------------------------------- Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay." ----------------------------------------------------- A wife was frying eggs for her husband’s breakfast. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving." ----------------------------------------------------- Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, from North Carolina, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him with a comb. That afternoon, the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued him with a toothbrush. That afternoon, the Army dentist yanked out seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him with a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for the last 51 years

9th-May-2006, 04:53 PM	#1730 (permalink)
David Franklin Registered User Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: London Posts: 2,866 Status: No Status Rep Power: 6 Rep.: 2500	Re: Jokes Why does John Prescott have in common with Ikea? Couple of dodgy screws and the whole cabinet falls apart!

12th-May-2006, 02:10 PM	#1731 (permalink)
DavidB The Oracle Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 2,144 Status: working too hard Rep Power: 5 Rep.: 1449	Re: Jokes A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has swindled him for ten million dollars. This bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. He got the job in the first place as it was assumed that he would not be able to hear anything and thus never have to testify in court. When the Godfather grills the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he takes his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "So, where is the $10 million you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." So the Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper, sweating, signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard." The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

12th-May-2006, 02:29 PM	#1733 (permalink)
DavidB The Oracle Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 2,144 Status: working too hard Rep Power: 5 Rep.: 1449	Re: Jokes Smiles Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner. "Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Courtney, the blonde from Essex, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought she was having her picture taken." Blonde objector A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show with his dummy on his knee. He starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little ** on your knee." The End** Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

12th-May-2006, 05:22 PM	#1734 (permalink)
DavidB The Oracle Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 2,144 Status: working too hard Rep Power: 5 Rep.: 1449	Re: Jokes A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. He notices a very lifelike full-size bronze statue of a rat. He asks, "How much for the bronze rat?" The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story". The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walks down the street, carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him. Within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay. Looking round, he sees that there is a vast ocean of rats, now in the MILLIONS, all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Now quite scared, he runs fast to the edge of the Bay, and hurls the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?" "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze lawyer, a bronze project manager, a bronze Manchester United player, & anything French."

12th-May-2006, 06:46 PM	#1735 (permalink)
Stuart Registered User Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Reading Posts: 1,031 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 200	Re: Jokes A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month." Moral of this story? ... Don't mess with us OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

13th-May-2006, 11:26 AM	#1736 (permalink)
Baruch Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Pontllanfraith, South Wales Posts: 1,972 Status: No Status Rep Power: 3 Rep.: 696	Re: Jokes George W. Bush is dining with senior members of the royal family after a tour of Britain. During dinner, he turns to the Queen and says, "You know, I've been wanting to change the international image of the USA for some time now, and I think the best way to do that is to change its name. When I get back home, I'm going to set the wheels in motion for a name change to 'The Kingdom of America'." The Queen replies, "You can't call the USA a kingdom." "Why not?" "You're not a king." "OK," says Bush. Then, turning to Prince Charles, he says, "Well, I really enjoyed my visit to Wales, so I'll take my cue from that. I'll change the USA's name to the Principality of America." "You can't call it a principality," replies Charles. "Why not?" "You're not a prince." "Oh, all right then," replies Bush. "In that case, do any of you have any suggestions as to what I could call it?" Prince Philip pipes up, "Aren't you doing rather well as a country?" __________________ To err is human, to moo bovine.

14th-May-2006, 11:36 PM	#1737 (permalink)
WittyBird The Gobby one! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Geekville Posts: 6,874 Status: No Status Rep Power: 5 Rep.: 3079	Re: Jokes NEW WEEKEND CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME OPEN TO MEN ONLY Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants sign up early and get a discount on registration The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include: DAY ONE HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS Step by step guide with slide presentation TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics) DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among a panel of experts. LOSS OF VIRILITY Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum DAY TWO EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN? Group discussion and role play HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH PowerPoint presentation REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST Real life testimonial from the one man who did IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER Online class and role playing HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE Bring your calendar or PDA to class GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME Individual counsellors available

14th-May-2006, 11:43 PM	#1738 (permalink)
WittyBird The Gobby one! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Geekville Posts: 6,874 Status: No Status Rep Power: 5 Rep.: 3079	Re: Jokes Consultant or Prostitute Are you a prostitute or are you a contractor/consultant ? You work very odd hours. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price. You are not proud of what you do. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded. It's difficult to have a family. You have no job satisfaction. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it. Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.) Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals." Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM). You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."