Jokes

[Cruella]

Originally Posted by under par

Doh ! Failed to raise a smile here

Made me chuckle when i read it. I have an unusual sense of humour.

[Rhythm King]

Originally Posted by Cruella

Made me chuckle when i read it. I have an unusual sense of humour.

I liked the Rolo ad with the elephant in the circus parade. Na nana na na naaaaa Thwack!!!!

[Baruch]

Originally Posted by Cruella

Made me chuckle when i read it. I have an unusual sense of humour.

Made me laugh too - I guess I'm unusual as well, then.

[DavidB]

Two Kerry men, Mick and Joe, were walking down a country road when they met a young lady struggling with a bike.

"Are you right there?" says Mick to her.

"My tyre is punctured", says the girl,"I'd be really grateful for some help." Mick turns to Joe. "You go on ahead there, I'll help the lady with her bike", he says, winking.

"Right so" says Joe, winking back, and walks away down the road. About twenty minutes later Joe hears a noise behind him, turns to see Mick on the bike, pedalling furious to catch up with him.

"What are you doing with the bike?" says Joe.

"Well", says Mike, "I helped your one fix the tyre and when we were done she lies back, takes off her knickers, and said that I could have anything I wanted. So I grabbed the bike."
"You cute hoor", says Joe,"Those knickers probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway!"

-------------------------------------------------

A recently retired gentleman went to the social welfare office to apply for his Pension..

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license or passport to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Welfare office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got Disability too."

[Donna]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happy Headlines
===============
English is a marvelously flexible language, much to the chagrin of headline writers everywhere. If any of these headlines seem reasonable, try reading it again in a slightly different way!
1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6.Farmer Bill Dies in House
7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8.Stud Tires Out
9.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
10.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
11.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
12.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
13.Eye Drops Off Shelf
14.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
15.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
16.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
17.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
18.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
19.Miners Refuse to Work after Death
20.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
21.Stolen Painting Found by Tree
22.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
23.Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
24.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
25.Drunken Drivers Paid £1000
26.'84 War Dims Hope for Peace
27.If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
28.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
29.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
30.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
31.Deer Kill 17,000
32.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
33.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
34.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
35.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
36.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
37.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
38.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
39.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
40.Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
41.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
42.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
43.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
44.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
45.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
46.Air Head Fired
47.Steals Clock; Faces Time
48.Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
49.Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
50.Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
51.Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
52.Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
53.Sex Education Delayed; Teachers Request Training
54.Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

[Piglet]

The widow was managing to hold herself together as she watched the undertaker put the finishing touches to her husband as he lay in his coffin.

"You wouldn't have any wig glue upstairs would you?" the undertaker asked as the toupee kept slipping off the husband's head.

"I'm not really sure" the widow replied, "but I'll go and look."

Twenty minutes later the widow came back downstairs apologising for taking so long but she had managed to find an old tube and hoped that there would be enough glue left in it to do the job.

"Oh don't you worry" said the undertaker.
"Whilst you were upstairs, I found a hammer and nail"

[Donna]

Originally Posted by Piglet

The widow was managing to hold herself together as she watched the undertaker put the finishing touches to her husband as he lay in his coffin.

"You wouldn't have any wig glue upstairs would you?" the undertaker asked as the toupee kept slipping off the husband's head.

"I'm not really sure" the widow replied, but I'll go and look.

Twenty minutes later the widow came back downstairs apologising for taking so long but she had managed to find an old tube and hoped that there would be enough glue left in it to do the job.

"Oh don't you worry" said the undertaker.
"Whilst you were upstairs, I found a hammer and nail"

[Piglet]

In a funeral parlour, another widow was distraught because the undertaker had dressed her husband in a black suit and his wishes had been to be buried in a white suit.

The undertaker apologised, saying that he hadn't been told of these wishes, but promised the widow that if she could get the white suit down to him then he would follow through with the deceased's wishes.

A couple of hours later the widow arrived back with the white suit that belonged to her husband. The undertaker wasn't available at that moment so she went through to look at her husband and was pleased to see that the undertaker had already re-dressed him in a beautiful white suit that far surpassed the suit she had in her hands.

She went through to the reception to thank the undertaker for doing such a sterling job and to ask him how he managed it. The undertaker reassured her that it was no problem - in fact another deceased male had come in dressed in the white suit and his widow said she'd preferred him to be in a black suit.

The widow said that she appreciated the time and effort it must have taken for the undertaker to undress and then re-dress both men.

"Undress them?" the undertaker queried.
"Oh no, it was much easier than that....






I just swapped the heads over."

[Donna]

Originally Posted by Piglet

In a funeral parlour, another widow was distraught because the undertaker had dressed her husband in a black suit and his wishes had been to be buried in a white suit.

The undertaker apologised, saying that he hadn't been told of these wishes, but promised the widow that if she could get the white suit down to him then he would follow through with the deceased's wishes.

A couple of hours later the widow arrived back with the white suit that belonged to her husband. The undertaker wasn't available at that moment so she went through to look at her husband and was pleased to see that the undertaker had already re-dressed him in a beautiful white suit that far surpassed the suit she had in her hands.

She went through to the reception to thank the undertaker for doing such a sterling job and to ask him how he managed it. The undertaker reassured her that it was no problem - in fact another deceased male had come in dressed in the white suit and his widow said she'd preferred him to be in a black suit.

The widow said that she appreciated the time and effort it must have taken for the undertaker to undress and then re-dress both men.

"Undress them?" the undertaker queried.
"Oh no, it was much easier than that....






I just swapped the heads over."

Wish I could rep you again!

[philsmove]

copied from the bristol forum

Hung Chow calls in to work to say, "Hey boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come to work.

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again:
Boss, I do what you say and feel great.
I be at work soon. You got nice house!

by SheRa

[Donna]

Originally Posted by philsmove

copied from the bristol forum


by SheRa

One of the oldest jokes in the book that one.

[DavidB]

Working Late...

http://www.logitech.com/index.cfm/pr...categoryid=420

[DavidB]

Do you smell something?

http://www.dropshots.com/day.php?use...5&ctime=165200


--------------------------

Go to

www.google.com and type in the f word with wit on the end and see the first result,...........

Also try
French Military Victories

[Rhythm King]

Originally Posted by DavidB

Do you smell something?

http://www.dropshots.com/day.php?use...5&ctime=165200


--------------------------

Go to

www.google.com and type in the f word with wit on the end and see the first result,...........

Also try
French Military Victories

The link from the last one is pretty good (Sorry Franck - just think Russian instead )

[Dance Demon]

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in
women's breast implants.

A company spokesperson declares this a major breakthrough,
as women are always complaining about men staring at their Breast's
without listening to them.

[Stuart]

Please note this does not reflect the views of the poster!

WOMEN TAKE NOTE: World Cup Rules

LIST OF RULES

1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of
the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the
World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations.
If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you
will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any
attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without
any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you
will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't
mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without
distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put
clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to
take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or
pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it wont happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and
please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to
watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between
12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams
is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry,
they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me
angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know
more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement"
will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to
me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if
the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying
"one" game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to
"spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have
seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.


9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:

a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to
watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but
you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to
something we can all watch??", the reply will be: "Refer to Rule #2 of
this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the
World Cup is only every 4 years" I am immune to these words, because
after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League,
Premier League, etc etc.


Thank you for your cooperation.

Regards,

Men of the World

Print out three copies of these rules. Attach one to the Fridge, one to the
Washing Machine, & one to the Ironing Board as timely reminders.

[Baruch]

Shamelessly nicked from the Bristol forum:

[timbp]

It is just before Scotland v Brazil at the World Cup game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".

Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"


(Please don't ban me from this forum.)

[DavidB]

Sunday Sex

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

[WittyBird]

The Cupboard

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now"