Jokes - Page 9

**Will** · 21st-August-2003, 01:24 AM

Liverpool FC send football scouts all over the world to discover new talent in an attempt to bring back the glory days to Anfield.

One July day, Liverpools man in Bagdad rings up Gerard Houllier...
"Gerard, you ain't gonna believe this but we've found this 17 year old Iraqi Kid who makes Diego Maradonna look like an Amateur. You've got to come and check this kid out."

So Houllier flies off to Bagdad, see's the kid play football, is massively impressed and signs him on the spot.

First match of the season, Liverpool vs Man Utd, 20 mins left and Liverpool are losing 4 - 0. Houllier has secret Iraqi weapon on the bench, decides he has little to lose by giving the youngster a run. The Iraqi kid comes on for Heskey, scores 5 goals and Liverpool win 5 - 4.

Really excited, the kid rings up his Mum to tell her what happened... "Mum! Mum!, this new life is great. We were losing 4 - 0, the manager brought me on, I scored 5 goals and we won 5 - 4. The fans love me, the manager loves me, the players love me, the press love me, it's absolutely wonderful!"

His mother replies "Well that's all well and good, but whilst you've been off enjoying yourself on the football field, your Dad's been shot dead! Your brother's been thrown in prison! And your sisters and I have all been Raped!

The Kid pleads "Oh mother! I don't know what to say..."

"Don't say anything" his mother replies, "It's your fault we're in Liverpool in the first place!

TheTramp · 23rd-August-2003, 08:41 AM

Grandma writes:

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love ya all, Grandma

Jive Brummie · 24th-August-2003, 08:32 PM

I was walking down the street the other day and this bloke came up to me and cut the bottom off my trousers....
"What the hell did you do that for?", I asked.
"I'm taking them to the library." He Said.

Well, I thought, that's a turn up for the books......

Claire · 28th-August-2003, 05:41 PM

I'm Tired

Yes, I'm tired

For several years I've been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow ear wax build up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is worth living.

But I find it isn't that

I'm tired because I am overworked.

The population of this country is 51 million and 21 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work. There are 19 million in school. That leaves 11 million. Of this a total of 2 million are unemployed and four million are employed by the government. One million are in the armed forces. That leaves 4 million to do the work. From that total 3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils, leaving 1 million to do the work. There are 62,000 people in hospital and 937,998 people in prisons.

That leaves 2 people to do the work

You and me and you're sitting on your bum reading this.

No wonder I'm bloody tired!!!

TheTramp · 28th-August-2003, 05:51 PM

Are you saying that the 4 million employed by the Government, and the 3 million employed by County and Borough Councils aren't doing any work then???

Why are we paying taxes to pay their wages then??

Steve

Jive Brummie · 29th-August-2003, 01:50 PM

OK, OK. Honesty time......

To the people that know me, I have a confession.
It may, (or may not) come as a surprise to you all that I have a
police record.............

Walking on The Moon......

Alfie · 29th-August-2003, 05:48 PM

Man walks into a Dentist

Dentist "What can I do for you?"

Man "I think I'm a Moth"

Dentist "You dont want a dentist you need a Psychiatrist"

Man "I know"

Dentist "Why did you come in here then?"

"The light was on"

TheTramp · 31st-August-2003, 04:44 PM

The Baby Photographer

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. While Mr. Smith could accept the fact that another man would make love to his wife to impregnate her, he didn't want to be around during 'the deed'.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to. . . . "
"Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh . . . equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
Madam? Madam? . . . Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

Steve

*Dance Demon* · 31st-August-2003, 09:17 PM

A guy is sitting in a bar. He turns to the young woman sitting beside him and asks " would you like to hear a blonde joke" to which the young lady replies " it may have escaoped your notice, but I'm blonde, I'm also 6ft 2ins tall, and I'm a kick boxer. My friend here is also blonde, 6ft 2ins tall and is an all in wrestler. my other friend is also blonde, 6ft 2ins tall and has a black belt in taikwando, do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"...............
Nah not really says the guy, " it's not the same if you have to explain it three times........

Jive Brummie · 5th-September-2003, 08:25 PM

What do you call a judge with no thumbs.......??

Justice Fingers....!!!

Chris · 12th-September-2003, 02:41 AM

Late last Saturday night a young chap was walking home from the pub. It was
a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the
streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by
the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then
suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving
rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached
from the shadows he was able to make out its shape more clearly....

It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
walking briskly home.

BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP........BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP........

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard
the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin.......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only
seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His
hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the
front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his
comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the
front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing
the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take
him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched
itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew
off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to
approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of soap and threw it at the
coffin.......still it came........

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of deodorant and threw it ........still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some cough mixture and threw it........

The coffin stopped.

**Dreadful Scathe** · 12th-September-2003, 01:28 PM

An American primary school teacher collected well known proverbs.
She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It`s hard to believe these were actually done by "6" year-olds!

____Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
____Strike while the ...........................bug is close.
____It`s always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
____Never underestimate the power of............termites.
____You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
____Don`t bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
____No news is..................................impossible.
____A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
____You can`t teach an old dog new..............math.
____If you lie down with dogs, you`ll...........stink in the morning.
____Love all, trust.............................me.
____The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
____An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
____Where there`s smoke there`s.................pollution.
____Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
____A penny saved is............................not much.
____Two`s company, three`s......................the Musketeers.
____Don`t put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
____Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your
____nose.
____There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
____Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
____If at first you don`t succeed...............get new batteries.
____You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box.
____When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
____And the favorite:
____Better late than...........................pregnant
____

TheTramp · 13th-September-2003, 07:33 AM

Grant me a Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

michael · 13th-September-2003, 03:21 PM

Enjoying your jokes keep them up trampy

PS Just wondered if that last one was as a result of a rather long and trying night with the oposite sex

If only we knew..............Me thinks better not understanding them that way we have an excuse......

**Steven** · 16th-September-2003, 04:44 PM

Apologies in advance to those who take offence but it is good!

Location ( Turra primary school ) "and for all ye English reading this!!.......Turra is a small hamlet north of Aberdeen!!!........being
Turriff

Teacher to class
Right class today is Thursday, so we,re going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday off and not come back until Tuesday.

Jocky thinks brill ahm ace at ma general knowledge.

Teacher Right class, who can tell me who said. " Dont ask what your country can do for you , but what you can do for your country.

Jocky ( shoots up his hand )

Teacher looking round Yes Jeremy.

Jeremy ( In english accent ) Yes miss the answer is J F Kennedy inaugeration speech 1960.

Teacher Very good Jeremy. You may come back on Tuesday.

NEXT THURSDAY COMES AROUND, AND JOCKY IS EVEN MORE DETERMINED

Teacher Who said. We will fight them on the beaches , we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender.

Jocky ( SHOOTS UP HIS HAND SHOUTING I KNOW )

Teacher ( looking round ) Yes Timothy.

Timothy ( In posher english accent ) Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, Battle of Britain speech 1941

Teacher Very good timothy , you may come back on Tuesday.

THE FOLLOWING THURSDAY COMES AROUND AND JOCKY IS VERY VEXED

Teacher Who said One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

Jocky ( JUMPIMG UP AND DOWN WITH BOTH HANDS UP, YELLING I KNOW)

Teacher ( looking round the class ) Yes Rupert.

Rupert ( In frightfully plummy english accent ) Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, The firs! t moon landing.

Teacher Very good Rupert you may come back on Tuesday.

Jocky ( Who has lost the plot blurts out ) WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH C**NTS COME FROM

TEACHER ( Looking round the class ) Who the hell said that.

Jocky ( Standing back up ) Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden,
1745. SEE YA TUESDAY

Cheers
Steven

**Dreadful Scathe** · 17th-September-2003, 04:23 PM

bit of history:

Shame Bonnie Prince Charlie didnt march on London he would have taken it, the 3 major English Armies were no where near but he wasn't sure. That would have changed Britain a bit

. He only got defeated at Culloden due to the raising of support for the opposition (made up of Scots as well as English) as well as the gradual decay of his own army as highlanders returned home. Also, remember Carlisle !

Jayne · 17th-September-2003, 04:58 PM

Re:

Quote:

Originally posted by Steven
Location ( Turra primary school ) "and for all ye English reading this!!.......Turra is a small hamlet north of Aberdeen!!!........being
Turriff etc etc

Thanks Steven, that cheered up an otherwise dull thesis writing session...

J

TheTramp · 3rd-October-2003, 01:14 PM

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies,"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes,and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Steve

**Steven** · 3rd-October-2003, 02:52 PM

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel
dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his
last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie.

He is wearing an Inland Revenue badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust someone from the Tax Office." What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." **POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that, no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story?

If the Tax Office offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Cheers
Steven

*Sheepman* · 9th-October-2003, 03:54 PM

How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?

Tell him that asylum seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles.

See, I can do cerebral (?), as well as smut!

Greg

28th-August-2003, 05:41 PM	#164 (permalink)
Claire Registered User Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 100 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 10	I'm Tired I'm Tired Yes, I'm tired For several years I've been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow ear wax build up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is worth living. But I find it isn't that I'm tired because I am overworked. The population of this country is 51 million and 21 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work. There are 19 million in school. That leaves 11 million. Of this a total of 2 million are unemployed and four million are employed by the government. One million are in the armed forces. That leaves 4 million to do the work. From that total 3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils, leaving 1 million to do the work. There are 62,000 people in hospital and 937,998 people in prisons. That leaves 2 people to do the work You and me and you're sitting on your bum reading this. No wonder I'm bloody tired!!!

29th-August-2003, 05:48 PM	#167 (permalink)
Alfie Registered User Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Stourbridge,West Midlands Posts: 240 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 16	Joke of the Day Man walks into a Dentist Dentist "What can I do for you?" Man "I think I'm a Moth" Dentist "You dont want a dentist you need a Psychiatrist" Man "I know" Dentist "Why did you come in here then?" "The light was on"

12th-September-2003, 02:41 AM	#171 (permalink)
Chris Registered User Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 889 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 11	coffin Late last Saturday night a young chap was walking home from the pub. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise....... BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows he was able to make out its shape more clearly.... It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster......... BUMP........BUMP....... BUMP........BUMP....... BUMP........BUMP........ The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him...... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... He started to sprint, but so did the coffin....... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase..... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........ BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad. BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came........ BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed his can of deodorant and threw it ........still it came...... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came...... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... He grabbed some cough mixture and threw it........ The coffin stopped.

12th-September-2003, 01:28 PM	#172 (permalink)
Dreadful Scathe Papa Smurf Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Planet Scathe Posts: 9,789 Rep Power: 7 Reputation Total: 2273	An American primary school teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It`s hard to believe these were actually done by "6" year-olds! ____Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader. ____Strike while the ...........................bug is close. ____It`s always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time. ____Never underestimate the power of............termites. ____You can lead a horse to water but...........how? ____Don`t bite the hand that....................looks dirty. ____No news is..................................impossible. ____A miss is as good as a......................Mr. ____You can`t teach an old dog new..............math. ____If you lie down with dogs, you`ll...........stink in the morning. ____Love all, trust.............................me. ____The pen is mightier than the................pigs. ____An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax. ____Where there`s smoke there`s.................pollution. ____Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents. ____A penny saved is............................not much. ____Two`s company, three`s......................the Musketeers. ____Don`t put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed. ____Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your ____nose. ____There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder. ____Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded. ____If at first you don`t succeed...............get new batteries. ____You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box. ____When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way. ____And the favorite: ____Better late than...........................pregnant ____ __________________ "defiantly a pork soared" -fletch "This is a discussion forum, not some sort of hippy poetry-reading commune" - TAFKADJ

13th-September-2003, 07:33 AM	#173 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,470 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1692	Grant me a Wish A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?" __________________ "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it". (Attributed to Voltaire). Caveat: But reserve the right to tell you if what you say is a load of crap!

21st-August-2003, 01:24 AM	#161 (permalink)
Will Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: London Posts: 1,419 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 557	Liverpool FC send football scouts all over the world to discover new talent in an attempt to bring back the glory days to Anfield. One July day, Liverpools man in Bagdad rings up Gerard Houllier... "Gerard, you ain't gonna believe this but we've found this 17 year old Iraqi Kid who makes Diego Maradonna look like an Amateur. You've got to come and check this kid out." So Houllier flies off to Bagdad, see's the kid play football, is massively impressed and signs him on the spot. First match of the season, Liverpool vs Man Utd, 20 mins left and Liverpool are losing 4 - 0. Houllier has secret Iraqi weapon on the bench, decides he has little to lose by giving the youngster a run. The Iraqi kid comes on for Heskey, scores 5 goals and Liverpool win 5 - 4. Really excited, the kid rings up his Mum to tell her what happened... "Mum! Mum!, this new life is great. We were losing 4 - 0, the manager brought me on, I scored 5 goals and we won 5 - 4. The fans love me, the manager loves me, the players love me, the press love me, it's absolutely wonderful!" His mother replies "Well that's all well and good, but whilst you've been off enjoying yourself on the football field, your Dad's been shot dead! Your brother's been thrown in prison! And your sisters and I have all been Raped! The Kid pleads "Oh mother! I don't know what to say..." "Don't say anything" his mother replies, "It's your fault we're in Liverpool in the first place!

23rd-August-2003, 08:41 AM	#162 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,470 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1692	Grandma writes: The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love ya all, Grandma

24th-August-2003, 08:32 PM	#163 (permalink)
Jive Brummie Registered User Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 943 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 331	I was walking down the street the other day and this bloke came up to me and cut the bottom off my trousers.... "What the hell did you do that for?", I asked. "I'm taking them to the library." He Said. Well, I thought, that's a turn up for the books......

28th-August-2003, 05:51 PM	#165 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,470 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1692	Are you saying that the 4 million employed by the Government, and the 3 million employed by County and Borough Councils aren't doing any work then??? Why are we paying taxes to pay their wages then?? Steve

29th-August-2003, 01:50 PM	#166 (permalink)
Jive Brummie Registered User Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 943 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 331	OK, OK. Honesty time...... To the people that know me, I have a confession. It may, (or may not) come as a surprise to you all that I have a police record............. Walking on The Moon......

31st-August-2003, 04:44 PM	#168 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,470 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1692	The Baby Photographer The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. While Mr. Smith could accept the fact that another man would make love to his wife to impregnate her, he didn't want to be around during 'the deed'. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to. . . . " "Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh . . . equipment?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? . . . Good Lord, she's fainted!!" Steve

31st-August-2003, 09:17 PM	#169 (permalink)
Dance Demon Commercial Operator Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,523 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 783	A guy is sitting in a bar. He turns to the young woman sitting beside him and asks " would you like to hear a blonde joke" to which the young lady replies " it may have escaoped your notice, but I'm blonde, I'm also 6ft 2ins tall, and I'm a kick boxer. My friend here is also blonde, 6ft 2ins tall and is an all in wrestler. my other friend is also blonde, 6ft 2ins tall and has a black belt in taikwando, do you still want to tell your blonde joke?"............... Nah not really says the guy, " it's not the same if you have to explain it three times........

5th-September-2003, 08:25 PM	#170 (permalink)
Jive Brummie Registered User Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 943 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 331	What do you call a judge with no thumbs.......?? Justice Fingers....!!!

13th-September-2003, 03:21 PM	#174 (permalink)
michael Registered User Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Glasgow Posts: 177 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 10	Quote from Trampys joke"Lord, I wish that I could understand women. Enjoying your jokes keep them up trampy PS Just wondered if that last one was as a result of a rather long and trying night with the oposite sex If only we knew..............Me thinks better not understanding them that way we have an excuse......

16th-September-2003, 04:44 PM	#175 (permalink)
Steven Taxi Dancer Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 157 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 10	Apologies in advance to those who take offence but it is good! Location ( Turra primary school ) "and for all ye English reading this!!.......Turra is a small hamlet north of Aberdeen!!!........being Turriff Teacher to class Right class today is Thursday, so we,re going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday off and not come back until Tuesday. Jocky thinks brill ahm ace at ma general knowledge. Teacher Right class, who can tell me who said. " Dont ask what your country can do for you , but what you can do for your country. Jocky ( shoots up his hand ) Teacher looking round Yes Jeremy. Jeremy ( In english accent ) Yes miss the answer is J F Kennedy inaugeration speech 1960. Teacher Very good Jeremy. You may come back on Tuesday. NEXT THURSDAY COMES AROUND, AND JOCKY IS EVEN MORE DETERMINED Teacher Who said. We will fight them on the beaches , we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender. Jocky ( SHOOTS UP HIS HAND SHOUTING I KNOW ) Teacher ( looking round ) Yes Timothy. Timothy ( In posher english accent ) Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, Battle of Britain speech 1941 Teacher Very good timothy , you may come back on Tuesday. THE FOLLOWING THURSDAY COMES AROUND AND JOCKY IS VERY VEXED Teacher Who said One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. Jocky ( JUMPIMG UP AND DOWN WITH BOTH HANDS UP, YELLING I KNOW) Teacher ( looking round the class ) Yes Rupert. Rupert ( In frightfully plummy english accent ) Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, The firs! t moon landing. Teacher Very good Rupert you may come back on Tuesday. Jocky ( Who has lost the plot blurts out ) WHERE THE FK DID ALL THESE ENGLISH CNTS COME FROM TEACHER ( Looking round the class ) Who the hell said that. Jocky ( Standing back up ) Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1745. SEE YA TUESDAY Cheers Steven

17th-September-2003, 04:23 PM	#176 (permalink)
Dreadful Scathe Papa Smurf Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Planet Scathe Posts: 9,789 Rep Power: 7 Reputation Total: 2273	bit of history: Shame Bonnie Prince Charlie didnt march on London he would have taken it, the 3 major English Armies were no where near but he wasn't sure. That would have changed Britain a bit . He only got defeated at Culloden due to the raising of support for the opposition (made up of Scots as well as English) as well as the gradual decay of his own army as highlanders returned home. Also, remember Carlisle ! __________________ "defiantly a pork soared" -fletch "This is a discussion forum, not some sort of hippy poetry-reading commune" - TAFKADJ

3rd-October-2003, 01:14 PM	#178 (permalink)
TheTramp The Forum Legend Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Dundee, Scotland Posts: 10,470 Rep Power: 6 Reputation Total: 1692	A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies,"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes,and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?" Steve __________________ "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it". (Attributed to Voltaire). Caveat: But reserve the right to tell you if what you say is a load of crap!

3rd-October-2003, 02:52 PM	#179 (permalink)
Steven Taxi Dancer Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Dundee Posts: 157 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 10	A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an Inland Revenue badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust someone from the Tax Office." What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." POOF* The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." *POOF* The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that, no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." *POOF* He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story? If the Tax Office offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached. Cheers Steven

9th-October-2003, 03:54 PM	#180 (permalink)
Sheepman Commercial Operator Join Date: May 2003 Location: London Posts: 3,560 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 865	How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader? Tell him that asylum seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles. See, I can do cerebral (?), as well as smut! Greg __________________ With one hand the past moves us forward, with the other it holds us back.