Jokes

[onkar]

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. ( For Those
of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west Of Quilpie in
the far south west of Queensland )





Dear Mum & Dad,



I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that
the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in
bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!



I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get
outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do
before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.



No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack -
nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's
lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!



At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks
or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon,
and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on
a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in
the back paddock!!



This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya
like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself
comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of ****!! You don't even
load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have
to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when
you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real
careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and
Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at
home after the muster.



Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best
the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from
the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles
across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone
wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to
the boozer.


I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bloody good it is.



Your loving daughter,



Sheila

[DavidB]

Fish
----

A game warden finds an indian man at a popular trout fishing spot with two dozen trout swimming in a bucket. "That's way over the limit," he says, "You're under arrest."

"But officer, please," the man says, "these are my pet fish from home. I just bring them down here to let them swim free once a week. When I whistle, they all come back and get into the bucket to go home."

"I don't believe it," says the warden. "Show me."

The man promptly dumps the trout into the stream and gazes after them as they swim away.

After a minute, the warden says, "OK, how long?"

"How long what?" says the man.

"How long till you call the fish back?"

"What fish?"

==============================

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

=================================

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

How do you safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


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Answer:

Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're p!!sed!!!!

=================================

One man's pointless but strangely compelling quest to create a custard cream the size of a tea tray:

http://www.pimpthatsnack.com/project.php?projectID=115

==================================

A couple are out for a clifftop walk when a bird swoops down, plucks the wife's shiny wedding ring right off her finger, and flies off to it's nest on the cliff edge.

Quick as a flash, the husband runs after the bird and tries to dislodge all the birds by throwing rocks at them, and looking in their nests. This goes on for some time, until the husband gives up.

The wife says, 'are you sure you've searched every nest?'

'believe me', gasps the husband, 'I've left no tern unstoned.'

==============================

Life in South Texas
-------------------

A highway patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt he had won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?", asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license.", he answered.

"Oh, don't listen to him!", yelled a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart ass when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I told you we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet," ?

===================================

Human rights
-------------

I see Suggs is now campaigning for human rights

It's Madness gone Politically Correct I tell you.


=============================================

Cadbury Buttons
----------------

The helpline for the Salmonella scare really is 0800 818181

So did you? :-)

[pmjd]

Short but there is something I like about it

A woman walked into a shop and told the shopkeeper she was looking for an innuendo.......so he gave her one

TADA!!!!
Will return with better jokes later

[doc martin]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[DavidB]

Originally Posted by doc martin

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?
{snip}

10 to argue which foot to step on first when changing the bulb
5 to say that the footwork isnt important
4 to complain about the lightbulb changer not hitting the breaks
2 to point out that hitting anything with a lightbulb would smash it
and finally everyone to realise the real origin of the semi-circle with the hand...

[Tessalicious]

Originally Posted by doc martin

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

Actually, a conveniently-placed industry ex-professional tells me it's called a "bubble".

and finally everyone to realise the real origin of the semi-circle with the hand

As long as they don't start pulling a thread with the other hand, sure.

[philsmove]

Originally Posted by Tessalicious

Actually, a conveniently-placed industry ex-professional tells me it's called a "bubble"..

When I worked in Edinburgh the local sparks would go ape Sh-one-t if we called them bulbs
He said bulbs are planted in the ground, the correct term being globes

[under par]

Originally Posted by pmjd

A woman walked into a shop and told the shopkeeper she was looking for an innuendo.......so he gave her one

but in which endo !

[senorita]

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade
especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her
own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently going but still a warm and
desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past
mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no
one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a d1ck.

[DavidB]

Duck hunting with a new 4WD Navigator

(This is allegedly a true story heard on a Wisconsin radio station reporting the incident. Even if it isn't true, it is still worth a laugh...)


A man buys a new Lincoln Navigator (4WD vehicle) for $42,500.00 (monthly payments $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter. All the lakes are frozen. They go onto a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and the new NAVIGATOR car.

They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. This needs a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck. To cut it will take a little more power than the average drill can produce.

So, in the new Navigator is a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now, our two rocket scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to get away quickly after lighting the fuse, decide to light the 40 second fuse; then throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember the dog? A highly trained Black Labrador, used for retrieving. You guessed it. The dog takes off across the ice at high speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now believing it is being cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.

The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, not big enough to stop a Labrador. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues.
Another shot, and this time the dog becomes terrified, thinking its owner has gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run away. The truck's red hot exhaust pipe touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then; BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I don't believe it" looks on their faces.

The insurance company refused to pay out, saying that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. The owner had still not made the first of the $560.00 a month payments.


Good news: The dog is okay

[Donna]

Love it!

[Sheepman]

Giving 100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14 +15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work or Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Greg

[Donna]

Originally Posted by Sheepman

Giving 100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14 +15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work or Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Greg

[pmjd]

Originally Posted by Donna

Respekt = 110%

[Donna]

Originally Posted by pmjd

Respekt = 110%

[Twirly]

A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands...

Dear Mum and Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends. They're the one's providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it.

Don' t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn GBP50 a scene. I get a GBP50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra GBP100 if they use the horse.

Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,

Aimee

P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND GETTING BEAT ON F*CKING PENALTIES AGAIN.

I love you. Aime

[Donna]

Originally Posted by Twirly

A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands...

Dear Mum and Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends. They're the one's providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it.

Don' t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn GBP50 a scene. I get a GBP50 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene, and an extra GBP100 if they use the horse.

Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,

Aimee

P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ENGLAND GETTING BEAT ON F*CKING PENALTIES AGAIN.

I love you. Aime

That - is - class!

[Stuart]

Sophie Ellis Bextor got into a fight with a French international footballer last night.

Apparently it was Murder on Zidane's floor!

[senorita]

A medical thought you may enjoy!

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there
and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's
embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who
insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other
patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this
old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room.
As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The Receptionist became
irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and
say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others,
if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't **** out of it," the man replied.
The entire Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

[senorita]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black
Labrador retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first
man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA
agent and that the dog is a "Sniffing dog."
His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we
get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says:
Watch this."
He tells Sniffer to "search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then
returns to its seat and puts one paw on the Agent's arm. The agent
says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is
in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat
number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say,
that's pretty neat" replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the
agent's arm.

The agent says, "that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police. "I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up
and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and
then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so
he asks the agent,

What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!