Jokes

[senorita]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all--- 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't
get it
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work
to do.

Amen!!!

[WittyBird]

Essex was hit by a major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale in the early hours. Its epicentre was in Basildon and victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come
to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said,
"It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into mybedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from
Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or
Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?

[Beowulf]

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.

He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.

"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."

"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"

"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

[DianaS]

Click on this link - this video is absolutely brilliant, it had me in stitches!

http://www.fugufish.org/frog/?p=38

[WittyBird]

My ex-wife, Yvonne ... She had started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started (1989) and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in a garden in Cape Town because of bad weather and crashed.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.

No one on the ground was injured.

Photograph was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very, very lucky

[Donna]

Originally Posted by WittyBird

My ex-wife, Yvonne ... She had started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started (1989) and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in a garden in Cape Town because of bad weather and crashed.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.

No one on the ground was injured.

Photograph was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very, very lucky

Brilliant!

[andystyle]

Originally Posted by WittyBird

My ex-wife, Yvonne ... She had started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started (1989) and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in a garden in Cape Town because of bad weather and crashed.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.

No one on the ground was injured.

Photograph was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very, very lucky

Liking that one!!

[Donna]

Heard this one a few years ago and still find it funny.

Chubby Brown returned home from one of his shows to find the house in complete silence.

He called for his wife but there was no answer, so he checked in the kitchen, the downstairs and upstairs bedroom, but still, no sign.

The last place to look was in the bedroom, and as he opened the door, there was his wife lying on the bed naked with her legs up in the air.

Chubby said, "for goodness sake, brush you hair and put you teeth back in!!"

[senorita]

Subject: Aaah the French !!!!!



An Englishman is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"

Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Britain." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Britain."

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you make love in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Englishman: "We don't. In Britain, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

[andystyle]

Haw-hee-haw-hee-haw...

[ducasi]

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on
adding a new wing to their hospital, the allergists
voted to scratch it and the dermatologists advised
no rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a gut
feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the
administration had a lot of nerve and the
obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a
misconception. The ophthalmologists considered
the idea short-sighted; the pathologists
yelled, "Over my dead body" while the
pediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was
madness, the surgeons decided to wash their
hands of the whole thing and the radiologists could
see right through it!The physicians thought it was a
bitter pill to swallow; and the plastic surgeons
said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas
and the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say
no.

In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to
some asshole in administration.

[Beowulf]

Billy Connolly on Retirement

What do retired people do all day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a f***** break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important at my age..........

[DavidB]

The Swimmer

A man met a woman and fell madly in love with her. He asked her to marry him right away. Her response was: "But we don't know each other at all, what if we don't get on?" The man said that was a chance he was prepared to take and he felt that he loved her so much straight away that he was sure it would work and they could get to know each other during their marriage.

So the woman agreed, they married and went away on honeymoon where they found they were very compatible.

They were lazing by the poolside one day when the husband said he fancied a swim and his wife watched him as he climbed up to the very highest diving board and leapt off backwards. He did a triple spin, a forward turn and a double back-flip (piked) before entering the water with barely a ripple.

The wife was amazed.

When the husband came back to her she said: "Blimey! I didn't know you could swim like that!" He replied: "Oh yes, I used to be an Olympic diver in my youth and was the champion for ten years running."

They agreed that there was lots to learn about each other and that it was half of the fun finding out.

Then the wife decided to go for a swim. She dived into the water, swam 150 lengths, got out of the water and lay on her sun lounger barely out of breath.

The husband was amazed. He said: "I can't believe it, did you used to be an Olympic swimmer too?" She replied: "Oh no, I used to be a prostitute in Hull but I worked both sides of the river."


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Dog Found

http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/dogfound.jpg

-----------------

Tragic Accident

The picture may be kind of hard to take for some of you. If you look closely you can see what appear to be some survivors of the accident still in the wreckage. Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us. My friend stayed on the scene to help and even though he performed mouth-to-mouth on quite a few of them, none apparently survived. Please open with discretion.

http://www.maryannhorton.com/images/...e-accident.jpg

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How to Save US Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. Of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again,hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.
I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this?! Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

-------------------

[Donna]

Im sorry David I can't read any further until I've calmed down The dog found one is hilarious! I've had to run off to the loos once - holding it in just makes it worse!

[andystyle]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant
about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the
whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle
Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning
to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by
mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of
fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully
sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[Donna]

There once was a man with a 25 inch penis, he asked his friend what he could do to reduce his massive member, his friend tells him about a frog that lives in the forest and tells him if the frog says no to you, your c0ck will shrink by 5 inches!, so the guy goes off and finds this frog and asks it to marry him (knowing he would say no to that!!)the man said, frog will you marry me? no, comes the reply, it worked the guy was down to 20 inches! he asks again, and again the reply is NO, down to 15, he thinks 10 inchs would be perfect so he says asks, frog will you marry me? the frog looks at him and says for gods sake mate NO NO NO!!!!

[Donna]

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

[Donna]

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the **** are you?" the man asks

"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

"Those little bastards!"

[Baruch]

PET RULES To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine or feline attendance is not required. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:.
1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less .
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called .
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

[Warwick]

Originally Posted by Baruch

PET RULES To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.