Jokes

[Brian Doolan]

Originally Posted by Baruch

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah! We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours '

Had you said "put IT in 10 Downing Street" it would have been funny.

[Stuart]

What's the difference between Robert Mugabe and Max Moseley?

Max Moseley admitted he'd been beaten!

[Twirly]

British Weather

The Archbishop of Canterbury has partially got his way, British weather has been declared Muslim.

It's either Sunni or Shiite.

[philsmove]

Nine words women use....


1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

[Trousers]

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."

[philsmove]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde .

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

'Yes,' said the blonde , 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ...

(Are you ready for this one!?)



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'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM!!'

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally Posted by Brian Doolan

Had you said "put IT in 10 Downing Street" it would have been funny.

i concur, and in this case the pedantry adds to the humour

[Dance Demon]

I'm really mad!...some bloke ran into my car today in one of those new Skodas.
It took me ages to clean all the marzipan, jelly & sponge cake off my car.....

[mick s]

A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.

She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."

[stewart38]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With
the worst premonition he opened the envelope and read the letter with
trembling hands.

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy and she is
so nice but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her
piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is
so much older than I am.


But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that
we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack
of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.

Love,

Your son, Joshua

P.S.

Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for
me to come home.

[jeanie]

Man went to the Doctor for a check up.
Doctor says "I'm curious about your orange c0ck, does anyone else have it in your family"
"No, not that I know of"
"Mmmm, do you work with chemicals/hazardous equipment?"
"No I don't work" he replies
"So what do you do all day then?"


"Watch porn & eat wotsits....."

[Poi Boi]

I'le start off with a Joke for my first post then. I may be English, but my scottish mate is oddly fond of telling this one...


A guy kneels by a stream, cups his hand and starts drinking.

A scottich gamekeeper strolls up and says,

"Here min, dinnae drink that fushty watter, it's full o coo's keech!"
(Excuse me, don't drink that disgusting water, it's full of cow s**t)

The guy stands up and says,

"Sorry my good man, I'm English, could you repeat that?"

"Aye", says the gamekeeper, "Use both hands, you'll get more that way."

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally Posted by Poi Boi

I'le start off with a Joke for my first post then. I may be English, but my scottish mate is oddly fond of telling this one...


A guy kneels by a stream, cups his hand and starts drinking.

A scottich gamekeeper strolls up and says,

"Here min, dinnae drink that fushty watter, it's full o coo's keech!"
(Excuse me, don't drink that disgusting water, it's full of cow s**t)

The guy stands up and says,

"Sorry my good man, I'm English, could you repeat that?"

"Aye", says the gamekeeper, "Use both hands, you'll get more that way."

translation wasn't needed and would be funnier for us Scots knowing some people wouldnt get it no doubt

[Brian Doolan]

Originally Posted by Poi Boi

I'le start off with a Joke for my first post then. I may be English, but my scottish mate is oddly fond of telling this one...


A guy kneels by a stream, cups his hand and starts drinking.

A scottich gamekeeper strolls up and says,

"Here min, dinnae drink that fushty watter, it's full o coo's keech!"
(Excuse me, don't drink that disgusting water, it's full of cow s**t)

The guy stands up and says,

"Sorry my good man, I'm English, could you repeat that?"

"Aye", says the gamekeeper, "Use both hands, you'll get more that way."

You forgot to say that the gamekeeper also told him "If there's no water in the stream to eat the yellow snow, it tastes of lemons"

[senorita]

REVENGE ON THE TELESALES PESTS

Three Little Words That Work!!


(1) The three little words: 'Hold On, Please...'
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear BT's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset .... You have efficiently completed your task.

These three little words could help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?


This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone
Calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is then used to determine the best time of day for a
'real' salesperson to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering: If you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!



3: When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, right?


It costs them more than the regular postage 'IF' and when they are returned. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-prepaid return envelopes.

Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American Express ... They might need one!
Send a pizza coupon to HSBC ... In case their canteen packs up. You get the idea.

If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them back their blank application form ... After all, it is their form!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you return.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them, and it is their envelope after all ... You are just returning it!!!!

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the post, but folks ..... We need to OVERWHELM them, in order to stop them.

Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail,
And best of all they're paying for it ... Twice!

Let's help keep Royal Mail busy. Since the Royal Mail are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let's help them so they will not need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- maybe you'll get very little junk mail anymore.

[senorita]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they
struck up a conversation...
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you
here?'
The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I **** on everything... the sofa,
the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when
I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'
The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They
reckon it'll calm me down.
The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, 'Why are you
here?'
The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the Hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole
in my owner's couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired.
'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you
here?'
'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and
was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I
hopped on her back and started humping away'.
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts
off for you too, huh?'
The black Lab said... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'

[DavidB]

I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, "You've been promoted." And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said, "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said, "You're managing director." And I went into a tree.

A policeman came up and said, "What happened to you?" I said, "I careered off the road."

[Poi Boi]

In a recent survey of office workers...

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date.
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place.
36% of the women favour nudity.
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes.
46% of the women experienced anal sex.
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning.
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations.
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest.
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion:

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral:

Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

[under par]

A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a
trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will
grant you three
wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I
failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in
the
world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also
make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women
will
flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most
beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the
world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in
the
world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and
what's
his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
'I'd
like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.



Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop
here

and continue feeling good.




Male readers :

Please scroll down.



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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.




Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're
really

smart.







Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.




PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes
to
show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on,
there's
a love.

[under par]

MENOPAUSE JEWELLERY...


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green and when I'm
in a bad mood, it leaves a big f**king red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!