Kids

[ElaineB]

This made me smile.........


Elaine

Subject: Test for before you have kids!!!

> Test 1

> Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a

> beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months

> remove 10% of the beans.

>*

> Men: To prepare for paternity,go to local chemist, tip the contents of

> your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.

> Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to

> their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

>T>*

> Test 2

> Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their

> methods of discipline, lack ofpatience, appallingly low tolerance

> levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest

> ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet

> training,table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the

> last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

>*

> Test 3

> To discover how the nights will feel . . .

> 1) Walk around the living roomfrom 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag

> weighi ng approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some

> other obnoxious sound) playingloudly.

> 2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

> 3) Get up at 12pm and walk thebag around the living room until 1am.

> 4) Set the alarm for 3am.

> 5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

> 6) Go to b ed at 2. 45am.

> 7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off

> 8) Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.

> 9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off

> 10) Make breakfast.

> Keep this up for 5 years. Lookcheerful.

>*

> Test 4

> Dressing small children is notas easy at it seems.

> 1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag

> 2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the

> arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

>*

> Test 5

> Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon (such as a Toyota

> Avensis). And don't think thatyou can leave it out on the driveway

> spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

> 1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

> 2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.

> 3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the

> back seat.

> 4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

> There. . perfect!

>*

> Test 6

> Get ready to go out.

> 1) Wait

> 2) Go out the front door.

> 3) Come in again.

> 4) Go out.

> 5) Come back in.

> 6) Go out again.

> 7) Walk down the front path/driveway.

> 8) Walk back up it.

> 9) Walk down it again.

> 10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

> 11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every

> piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.

> 12) Retrace your steps.

> 13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the

> neighbours come out and stare at you.

> 14) Give up and go back into the house.

> You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

>*

> Test 7

> Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

>*

> Test 8

> Go the local supermarket. Takewith you the nearest thing you can find

> to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend

> to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks

> groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for

> everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish

> this, do not even contemplate having children.

>*

> Test 9

> 1) Hollow out a melon.

> 2) Make a small hole in the side.

> 3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side PAN>

> 4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the

> swaying melon by pretending tobe an airplane.

> 5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

> 6) Tip the rest into your lap,making sure that a lot of it falls on the

> floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child.

>*

> Test 10

> Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney,

Teletubbies

> and Disney.Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.

>*

> Test 11

> Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter

> onto the sofa and jam onto thecurtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo

> and leave it there all summer.Stick your fingers in the flower beds

> then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does

> that look?

>*

> Test 12

> Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly.

> Important: No more than a foursecond delay between each "Mummy" -

> occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required.

> Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.

> You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

>*

> Test 13

> Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else

continuously

> tug on yourskirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy"tape

> made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with

> an adult while there is a child in the room.

>*

> Test 14

> Put on your finest work attire. Pick a d ay on which you have an

> important meeting. Now:

> 1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.

> 2) Stir.

> 3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the

> other half of the mixture.

> 4) Attempt to clean your shirtwith the saturated towel.

> 5) Do NOT change. You have no time.

> 6) Go directly to work.

>*

> Test 15

> Go for a drive, but first. .

> 1) Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.

> 2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.T>

> 3) Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.

> 4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the

> child seat.

> 5) For the really adventurous . . . Run some errands, remove and

> replace the cat at each stop.

>*

> You are now ready to have kids!!!!

[puresunrays]

err yeah...