War Advice

[Lou]

A little something I was sent today....



<FONT FACE="Arial Unicode MS"><P>&nbsp;</FONT><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2>The US government has a new website, </FONT><A HREF="http://www.ready.gov/"><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2>http://www.ready.gov</FONT></A><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2>.&nbsp;&nbsp;It's another&nbsp;attempt at scare mongering in the style of the&nbsp;old "duck and cover" advice after WWII.
<BR>
The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything!&nbsp; Here are a few interpretations.

<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_dont_run.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
<I>If you have set yourself on fire, do not run</P>
</I></FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_shout.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
<I>If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.</P>
</I></FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_open_door.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
<I>If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder</I> </P>
</FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/bio_vis_substance.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
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<I>If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo.</P>
</I></FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_flashlight.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
<I>Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!</I> </P>
</FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_chem_wash.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
<BR>
<I>The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.</I> </P>
</FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_cover_nose.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
<I>Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the hell away.</I> </P>
</FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_chem_area.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
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<I>Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it.</I> </P>
</FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_chem_affected.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
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<I>Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.</I> </P>
</FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_closed_door.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
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<I>If a door is closed, karate chop it open.</I> </P>
</FONT>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_rad_time.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
<BR>
<I>Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile</I> </P>
</FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/nuc_vis_building.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
<BR>
<I>After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.</P>
</I></FONT><P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_high_windows.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
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<I>If you've become&nbsp;a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that ****.</P>
</I></FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_high_stay.gif" WIDTH=152 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
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-- If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run away.</P>
</FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/bio_vis_resp.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
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If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop. </P>
</FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_dust.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
<I>If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.</P>
</I></FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_drop_roll.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
<I>If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.</P>
</I></FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_car_wire.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
<EM>Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.</P>
</FONT></EM><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_rad_shield.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
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-- <I>A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.</I> </P>
</FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>
<P><IMG SRC="http://www.geocities.com/zoi_sama/food.txt" WIDTH=92 HEIGHT=97><FONT FACE="Verdana" SIZE=2><BR>
Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die an agonising death. </P>
</FONT><P>&nbsp;</P>

[Dance Demon]

[Graham]

I've just had to wipe away tears of laughter - brilliant!