Advice needed please!

Frankie_4711 · 9th-March-2006, 05:29 PM

Just wondered if you guys could maybe give me some advice?

While at Storm, I spent most of Saturday night and all of Sunday night in the Blues room – I have totally fallen in love with this style of dancing, which I had not done up until that point, feeling that it gave me, as a woman, so much more freedom to express myself and to feel and interpret the music – something I have always felt is an important aspect of dancing.

BUT, I need to know if I’m doing it wrong, or overdoing it, because I ‘seem’ to be sending out the wrong message to the guys. Or maybe it was the guys - I don't know! To me, all I was doing was dancing, following his lead and reacting to the song. Having read the Online Workshop on Sensual Dancing, I can’t see that I was doing anything unexpected – just following the guys’ lead – they held tight, I held tight; they wiggled, I wiggled. I even improvised a bit, slowing down some of my walk arounds, not immediately taking hold of an offered hand, but wiggling away or turning independently instead. I made some eye contact and even smiled a bit! All of which seemed to be appreciated …

Especially by about 6 or 7 guys who just kept coming back for more – maybe 5, 6, 7 times or more in an evening, some even asking for 4 or 5 dances in a row. Now I’m not rude and don’t want to be thought of as impolite, so I said ‘yes’ each time, and hoped it was just because I was a good dancer(?). But the reaction of 2 of those men once they discovered I was married made me wonder – they both just disappeared virtually without trace, and when I saw one later on, he didn’t even smile at me!

As I said, I’d never done this kind of dancing before, so just went with the flow. Should I have kept more distance (but that wouldn't have felt right for me)? Would I have been seen as rude if I’d said ‘no’ to some of those dances? Do the men out there feel that if a woman is dancing close and sexy that she wants more than just a dance? How do I know where ‘close’ stops and ‘too close’ starts, because that’s something that’s different for everyone – I didn’t think I was too close, maybe they did? Any tips from any ladies been in a similar position? I didn't seem to have the same effect of every man I danced with, so is it me, or is it them? So many questions - sorry, but please help! I’m confused!!

**drathzel** · 9th-March-2006, 05:36 PM

please anyone correct me if i am wrong, but there is no wrong way to "blues", all you need to do is dance what you feel.

*it is fab isnt it

**Lynn** · 9th-March-2006, 05:47 PM

Firstly - I know what you mean, I felt the same way about blues room dancing at my first weekender - that 'wow, I can really do things with the music'. Its great isn't it?

And yes you have to follow their lead but you can control just how close you get and just how much you respond. Its hard to describe as I react differently to each guy depending on how comfortable I feel with them and how I feel they are responding to what I am doing. If I felt they were getting the wrong message I would politely decline a dance if they've been asking a lot. (Or you can accept a dance and just do a 'normal' dance with 'distance' but then the guy really wonders what he's done and it feels mean to do that, better IMO to refuse.)

If I was dancing 4 or 5 blues dances in a row (them asking, me accepting) as you said I guess I wouldn't be that surprised if they asked if I was single, they might think that the 'connection' they are getting could go beyond the dance floor. (Its different if its someone you know pretty well of course.)

I usually wouldn't dance really close for too long with a guy if it was the first occasion (ie event) I had danced with him. Its perfectly OK to break the close hold and lead yourself out of it. It takes trust to really enjoy any UCP dance if and it usually takes time to build that up over several dances.

And there is a level of getting used to a partner and expressing yourself a little bit more each time you dance with them. I commented to a forumite about still feeling a little reserved dancing with him in 'play' terms, I would trust him completely on the dance floor, so its not about that, just simply that I haven't danced enough with him to the point of more self expression.

It also means there is always that little bit extra and new to bring to the next dance, though I suppose eventually you would run out of boundaries!

Hope this helps a bit!

*Andy McGregor* · 9th-March-2006, 05:55 PM

Don't let those men make you wrong. All you were doing was dancing. What they were doing was expecting more than a dance. They were wrong, you were right. Don't feel bad that you're off their shopping list - dance with me, I'm married too*.

*which may come as a surprise to the people who think I'm gay

**Lynn** · 9th-March-2006, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andy McGregor

Don't let those men make you wrong. All you were doing was dancing. What they were doing was expecting more than a dance. They were wrong, you were right.

Absolutely! Its dancing. No-one should expect it to be anything else.

Frankie_4711 · 9th-March-2006, 06:03 PM

Thank you - you've made me feel much better about what I was doing, and about doing it again. I'll try some of your suggestions Lynn, and I'll take you up on that offer one day Andy!

Ghost · 9th-March-2006, 06:06 PM

to the above advice

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lynn

Absolutely! Its dancing. No-one should expect it to be anything else.

Absolutely

Asking for someone's phone number after a dance track. What is the correct etiquette?

Take care,
Christopher

Chef · 9th-March-2006, 06:22 PM

All of the above.

It is not you sending out the wrong signals. But there is also another thread on this forum about "what is the ettiquette for asking for a phone number after a dance" and a persistant point is that both people may want a relationship that stems from a dance encounter but the only way to find out (and accept the risk of rejection) is to ask.

It might just be that this was all these guys were doing were chancing their arm and seeing if you were interested in them personally rather than just as dancers. I guess they got their answer from you and as long as everyone is polite about it then there would be no harm done. Where it does beyond the pale is where the rejection is done nastily or the other persons acceptance is also nasty.

It does sound as if the encounters you had just fit into the category of "faint heart never won fair lady".

Blues dancing is wonderful interms of its connection, musicality and sensuality (not necessarily sexuality). I also think it is a great deal for the followers because they have (as you have found) such a wide scope for musical interpretation, taking over the control of the dance for a while before giving it back. I guess you can tell that I am a fan of blues dancing.

If you find that a guy has pulled you closer to him than you are comfrotable with then you can always control the distance that you are comfortable with by using you left hand on the front of his shoulder to apply a degree of pressure on him. One last thing - from a guys point of view - is if you are in close hold and the guy is holding you tight, then don't hold him tightly - it makes it awfully hard for us guys to send you out to an open position if you are holding on for dear life.

The major trouble with blues dancing in this country is that there just isn't enough opportunity to do it. Have fun.

**under par** · 9th-March-2006, 06:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andy McGregor

Don't let those men make you wrong. All you were doing was dancing. What they were doing was expecting more than a dance. They were wrong, you were right.

So right Andy (for a change!

)

They have now shown their true colours and you have that info to take to the next weekender /event.

And you don't accept as many dances in a row from them again

azande · 10th-March-2006, 08:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andy McGregor

I'm married too*.

*which may come as a surprise to the people who think I'm gay

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive...

Frankie_4711 · 10th-March-2006, 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ghost

to the above advice

Absolutely

Asking for someone's phone number after a dance track. What is the correct etiquette?

Take care,
Christopher

Interesting reading!! Thanks! And thanks to you all - definitely going to bring in a '2-dance max' rule for next time!

LMC · 10th-March-2006, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frankie_4711

And thanks to you all - definitely going to bring in a '2-dance max' rule for next time!

I ran into this "how do I get out of dancing with this guy who won't let me go" problem fairly early on (at my first ever freestyle in fact

). And some of the lovely ladies on here gave me the following strategies (sorry, can't remember where to credit them, but they are not mine). Depending on your partner...

"Sorry, but I promised a dance with ..."

"That's very flattering (that you've asked me for a third dance), but I was told you had to marry someone if you dance with them more than twice in a row - and that would make me guilty of bigamy. Maybe catch you for another dance later" (smile nicely etc)

"No, I mustn't be greedy, let me introduce you to my friend..." (presuming the partner concerned is a nice guy, it's just that you don't want to give him the wrong idea!)

If you run into problems with someone who just keeps coming back for more "two dances in a row" and you're getting uncomfortable, line up a few "knights in shining armour" guys that you trust (or even girls that can lead!) - I did this on Sunday at Storm (thank you lovely forum guys who said they'd help

, luckily not needed in the end) ! - i.e. tell them that you might need rescuing later, and if they are not dancing, please would they come up to you at the end of the dance and ask you. The idea of asking a few people to be white knights is that they can all get on with their own evening's dancing, not just watch out for you - but as you have a few potential "rescuers", hopefully you can catch the eye of *one* of them if you are in need of polite intervention.

And if all else fails - just be firm: "I've really enjoyed our dances thank you (assuming you have!), but I'm just here for the dancing, variety is the spice of life and I'd like to dance with someone else now."

jivecat · 10th-March-2006, 01:04 PM

The only times I have trouble with close contact is if I'm not really enjoying the dance or there's something else about my partner that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, for example if their lead is too strong and I feel forced into it. I don't mind dancing close with complete strangers if there's a sense of connection.

If I'm really enjoying myself then I am very happy to have multiple dances without assuming there is any ulterior motive other than enjoying the dance, and I would be a bit upset if it was assumed that I had an ulterior motive. With partners that I'm having a really good time with it's often better to have 2 or 3 dances, go off and dance with other people for a bit then have a few more dances. That way it gives everyone plenty of freedom and avoids me getting bored with them or they with me.

If I've had enough after say, two dances, it's easy enough to step back decisively and say thank you in a pleasant but assertive kind of way. Most people will pick up the signal without you having to give an explanation.

Glad you enjoyed it so much! Hope to see you in a blues room somewhere soon! x Heather.

*Andy McGregor* · 10th-March-2006, 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by azande

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive...

I think people are surprised that anyone would stay married to me ...

*Andy McGregor* · 10th-March-2006, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LMC

line up a few "knights in shining armour" guys that you trust (or even girls that can lead!) -

At a dance few weeks ago I had a lady rush up to me and say "quick, kiss me". My answer was "where?"

I quickly obliged with kisses on both cheeks before dancing the next 2 tracks with her. She called me the next day to tell me I was helping fend off some guy. However, another guy who got the same request suggested they went outside to do the kissing

Frankie_4711 · 10th-March-2006, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LMC

If you run into problems with someone who just keeps coming back for more "two dances in a row" and you're getting uncomfortable, line up a few "knights in shining armour" guys that you trust (or even girls that can lead!)

I have a 'hanger-on' at my weekly classes, and a few people have picked up on it and have come to 'rescue' me - one was a beginner woman asking me to be her 'man', which I thought was nice!

Thanks for the tips on how to turn someone down nicely! Will bear them in mind.

LMC · 10th-March-2006, 04:01 PM

Although as jivecat says, if you are *both* enjoying dancing together and it is just the dancing then have as many in a row as you like

**Lynn** · 10th-March-2006, 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LMC

Although as jivecat says, if you are *both* enjoying dancing together and it is just the dancing then have as many in a row as you like

Agree. Though I would probably still have two dances in a row then dance again later with the same person, rather than all at once. Esp if they are a lovely dancer and there are women sitting out, I wouldn't want to be greedy.

I was thinking about this subject this morning while getting ready for work. (As you do.

) Another reason I might 'hold back' a little is if the guy isn't that used to blues room dancing. Some guys think blues = pull the lady in close and wiggle a bit because that's what they see other people doing. There are always some guys who end up in the blues room later on after the main room has closed who are rather out of their depth. I will dance with them, and even play a bit if they seem OK with that, but there were a few times on Sun night when I really wanted to 'strut my stuff' and it was so difficult toning it down. My reason for toning it down was so that I wasn't giving them the wrong signals. (An experienced blues room dancer would be totally different.)

So while yes, its 'just' dancing, and yes, the guy shouldn't expect more than a dance, IMO the woman still has some responsibility about what she is communicating through her dancing.

jivecat · 10th-March-2006, 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lynn

Esp if they are a lovely dancer and there are women sitting out, I wouldn't want to be greedy.

Naturally, neither would I.

But if I was really enjoying myself, and he was willing.......it's every woman for herself! I figure that I do plenty of sitting out at other times!
You're just so nice, Lynn.

Quote:

So while yes, its 'just' dancing, and yes, the guy shouldn't expect more than a dance, IMO the woman still has some responsibility about what she is communicating through her dancing.

I can think of very few times when the way I was dancing, or indeed just dancing, was clearly interpreted as any sort of come-on. Usually with the sort of guy who has a mental list of "possibles" and is running through them until he gets a strike. Like Frankie_4711 found, they rapidly move on to the next in the list when they can see there's not going to be a result.
What about guys who initiate serial groin-grinds with me - do they not have responsibility for what they lead? Shame it's no longer possible to file "Breach of Promise" suits.

9th-March-2006, 05:29 PM	#1 (permalink)
Frankie_4711 Registered User Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Maidstone, Kent, England Posts: 389 Rep Power: 2 Reputation Total: 160	Advice needed please! Just wondered if you guys could maybe give me some advice? While at Storm, I spent most of Saturday night and all of Sunday night in the Blues room – I have totally fallen in love with this style of dancing, which I had not done up until that point, feeling that it gave me, as a woman, so much more freedom to express myself and to feel and interpret the music – something I have always felt is an important aspect of dancing. BUT, I need to know if I’m doing it wrong, or overdoing it, because I ‘seem’ to be sending out the wrong message to the guys. Or maybe it was the guys - I don't know! To me, all I was doing was dancing, following his lead and reacting to the song. Having read the Online Workshop on Sensual Dancing, I can’t see that I was doing anything unexpected – just following the guys’ lead – they held tight, I held tight; they wiggled, I wiggled. I even improvised a bit, slowing down some of my walk arounds, not immediately taking hold of an offered hand, but wiggling away or turning independently instead. I made some eye contact and even smiled a bit! All of which seemed to be appreciated … Especially by about 6 or 7 guys who just kept coming back for more – maybe 5, 6, 7 times or more in an evening, some even asking for 4 or 5 dances in a row. Now I’m not rude and don’t want to be thought of as impolite, so I said ‘yes’ each time, and hoped it was just because I was a good dancer(?). But the reaction of 2 of those men once they discovered I was married made me wonder – they both just disappeared virtually without trace, and when I saw one later on, he didn’t even smile at me! As I said, I’d never done this kind of dancing before, so just went with the flow. Should I have kept more distance (but that wouldn't have felt right for me)? Would I have been seen as rude if I’d said ‘no’ to some of those dances? Do the men out there feel that if a woman is dancing close and sexy that she wants more than just a dance? How do I know where ‘close’ stops and ‘too close’ starts, because that’s something that’s different for everyone – I didn’t think I was too close, maybe they did? Any tips from any ladies been in a similar position? I didn't seem to have the same effect of every man I danced with, so is it me, or is it them? So many questions - sorry, but please help! I’m confused!!

9th-March-2006, 05:36 PM	#2 (permalink)
drathzel Ceroc N.I. Franchise Owner Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Bangor, Northern Ireland Posts: 7,681 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 1312	Re: Advice needed please! please anyone correct me if i am wrong, but there is no wrong way to "blues", all you need to do is dance what you feel. *it is fab isnt it __________________ I pulled Under Pars groin! But they werent my knickers

9th-March-2006, 05:47 PM	#3 (permalink)
Lynn Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Belfast Posts: 7,658 Rep Power: 5 Reputation Total: 2459	Re: Advice needed please! Firstly - I know what you mean, I felt the same way about blues room dancing at my first weekender - that 'wow, I can really do things with the music'. Its great isn't it? And yes you have to follow their lead but you can control just how close you get and just how much you respond. Its hard to describe as I react differently to each guy depending on how comfortable I feel with them and how I feel they are responding to what I am doing. If I felt they were getting the wrong message I would politely decline a dance if they've been asking a lot. (Or you can accept a dance and just do a 'normal' dance with 'distance' but then the guy really wonders what he's done and it feels mean to do that, better IMO to refuse.) If I was dancing 4 or 5 blues dances in a row (them asking, me accepting) as you said I guess I wouldn't be that surprised if they asked if I was single, they might think that the 'connection' they are getting could go beyond the dance floor. (Its different if its someone you know pretty well of course.) I usually wouldn't dance really close for too long with a guy if it was the first occasion (ie event) I had danced with him. Its perfectly OK to break the close hold and lead yourself out of it. It takes trust to really enjoy any UCP dance if and it usually takes time to build that up over several dances. And there is a level of getting used to a partner and expressing yourself a little bit more each time you dance with them. I commented to a forumite about still feeling a little reserved dancing with him in 'play' terms, I would trust him completely on the dance floor, so its not about that, just simply that I haven't danced enough with him to the point of more self expression. It also means there is always that little bit extra and new to bring to the next dance, though I suppose eventually you would run out of boundaries! Hope this helps a bit! Last edited by Lynn : 9th-March-2006 at 05:54 PM.

9th-March-2006, 05:55 PM	#4 (permalink)
Andy McGregor Commercial Operator Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Sussex by the Sea Posts: 7,147 Rep Power: 5 Reputation Total: 1570	Re: Advice needed please! Don't let those men make you wrong. All you were doing was dancing. What they were doing was expecting more than a dance. They were wrong, you were right. Don't feel bad that you're off their shopping list - dance with me, I'm married too. which may come as a surprise to the people who think I'm gay __________________ “Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius-and a lot of courage-to move in the opposite direction.” Albert Einstein

9th-March-2006, 06:03 PM	#6 (permalink)
Frankie_4711 Registered User Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Maidstone, Kent, England Posts: 389 Rep Power: 2 Reputation Total: 160	Re: Advice needed please! Thank you - you've made me feel much better about what I was doing, and about doing it again. I'll try some of your suggestions Lynn, and I'll take you up on that offer one day Andy!

9th-March-2006, 06:22 PM	#8 (permalink)
Chef Registered User Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Mayfield, East Sussex Posts: 891 Rep Power: 2 Reputation Total: 1159	Re: Advice needed please! All of the above. It is not you sending out the wrong signals. But there is also another thread on this forum about "what is the ettiquette for asking for a phone number after a dance" and a persistant point is that both people may want a relationship that stems from a dance encounter but the only way to find out (and accept the risk of rejection) is to ask. It might just be that this was all these guys were doing were chancing their arm and seeing if you were interested in them personally rather than just as dancers. I guess they got their answer from you and as long as everyone is polite about it then there would be no harm done. Where it does beyond the pale is where the rejection is done nastily or the other persons acceptance is also nasty. It does sound as if the encounters you had just fit into the category of "faint heart never won fair lady". Blues dancing is wonderful interms of its connection, musicality and sensuality (not necessarily sexuality). I also think it is a great deal for the followers because they have (as you have found) such a wide scope for musical interpretation, taking over the control of the dance for a while before giving it back. I guess you can tell that I am a fan of blues dancing. If you find that a guy has pulled you closer to him than you are comfrotable with then you can always control the distance that you are comfortable with by using you left hand on the front of his shoulder to apply a degree of pressure on him. One last thing - from a guys point of view - is if you are in close hold and the guy is holding you tight, then don't hold him tightly - it makes it awfully hard for us guys to send you out to an open position if you are holding on for dear life. The major trouble with blues dancing in this country is that there just isn't enough opportunity to do it. Have fun.

10th-March-2006, 01:04 PM	#13 (permalink)
jivecat Registered User Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Tubugi Island Posts: 1,514 Rep Power: 3 Reputation Total: 802	Re: Advice needed please! The only times I have trouble with close contact is if I'm not really enjoying the dance or there's something else about my partner that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, for example if their lead is too strong and I feel forced into it. I don't mind dancing close with complete strangers if there's a sense of connection. If I'm really enjoying myself then I am very happy to have multiple dances without assuming there is any ulterior motive other than enjoying the dance, and I would be a bit upset if it was assumed that I had an ulterior motive. With partners that I'm having a really good time with it's often better to have 2 or 3 dances, go off and dance with other people for a bit then have a few more dances. That way it gives everyone plenty of freedom and avoids me getting bored with them or they with me. If I've had enough after say, two dances, it's easy enough to step back decisively and say thank you in a pleasant but assertive kind of way. Most people will pick up the signal without you having to give an explanation. Glad you enjoyed it so much! Hope to see you in a blues room somewhere soon! x Heather.

10th-March-2006, 04:01 PM	#17 (permalink)
LMC Registered User Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: In the corner Posts: 4,508 Rep Power: 4 Reputation Total: 2319	Re: Advice needed please! Although as jivecat says, if you are both enjoying dancing together and it is just the dancing then have as many in a row as you like