Jokes

[baldrick]

I like but am no where near brave enough to give to my boss

[drathzel]

I like but am no where near brave enough to give to my boss

I am...watch this space!

[drathzel]

The Magician and the Parrot

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, “He has a card up his sleeve” or “He has a dove in his pocket.”
One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

[drathzel]

Just A Juggalo

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man," says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."

[drathzel]

New Words

A boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns "take off." Then he learnes "zebra" from the zoo and "baby" from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, ''Mommy, I learned new words today.'' She says, "Great, honey what did you learn?" He says, ''Takeoffzebrababy!''

[drathzel]

The Bat Bet

Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.
The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.

The first bat said, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask how many people's blood had he drunk. The bat said, "See that castle over there. I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat goes out on his night and comes back covered in blood. This was totally amazing to the other two bats. They ask how much blood he drank. The 3rd bat said, "See that castle over there?" and the other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

[drathzel]

Poor Couple

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''

The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

[drathzel]

Monks Made a Mistake

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.
"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."

"Can I see one?"

"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.

"What? What does it say?"

"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"

[drathzel]

Pig In A Bar

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

[drathzel]

Working On The Fourth Husband


A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[baldrick]

C'mon own up. Who bought D' a new joke book. (that is the books new, not the jokes)

[StevanHogg]

Paddy's wife is ready to give birth. He rushes her to the hospital and is greeted by the midwife. She asks Paddy,"Is your wife dilated?"

"Bejesus woman, "he replied," she's feckin ecstatic!"

[Bigger Andy]

The "'Tis Bottle"

Once upon a time, there was a fellow who was down on his luck, and as he was looking through the classifieds, he saw an intriguing ad offering a ten million dollar reward to the person who could find and retrieve, intact, something called a "tis bottle."

Having nothing to lose, he calls the man who placed the ad. "I absolutely must have this bottle, and there are only three surviving in the world," the wealthy man tells him, "one is in the heart of the deepest jungle, one is at the bottom of the coldest, darkest sea, and one is at the top of the highest mountain. I will pay your expenses for however long it takes to bring me one of these bottles, as well as giving you the ten million."

Being an adventurous fellow, he decides to accept the offer.

First, he gathers a retinue of guides and hunters to go with him into the jungle. He studies for months to prepare, and when he is ready to survive, he sets out to get the bottle. Into the jungle he goes, and after many close calls, and much loss of life, he finds the bottle.

As he is on his way out of the jungle with the bottle well packed and padded, he is attacked by wild animals, and not only is he badly mauled, but the box with the tis bottle goes flying, and box and bottle shatter.

It takes some time for him to recover from his injuries, but when he's well enough, he begins preparations to retrieve the bottle at the bottom of the sea. He takes diving lessons, hires the newest and best deep-sea diving equipment and crew, and takes to the sea. With little trouble, they managed to get the bottle, but on the way up, they are attacked by sharks, and have to rush to the surface. In the hurry, the fellow not only gets the bends, but the bottle falls and breaks on the deck. More time in the hospital later, recovering slowly, he's more determined than ever to get the third and final bottle.

He spends over a year learning mountain climbing and survival, becoming accustomed to low oxygen and heights, and planning the ultimate shatter-proof container for the bottle. He hires a crew of experienced guides and begins his climb. By the time they reach the top, they're low on supplies, weak, and frostbitten, but he will not give up. The bottle is packed and secured, and the group begins the descent. When they reach the bottom of the mountain, the fellow again has to spend time in the hospital recovering from his injuries, but he keeps the bottle with him and in sight at all times.

Finally, he's ready to present it to the wealthy man and collect his reward.

He goes to the wealthy man's house, and carefully unpacks the "tis bottle" and hands it over. The wealthy man inspects it joyfully, and hands the fellow a check for ten million dollars.

"Thank you and good day, sir," he says, dismissing the fellow.

"Wait !" The fellow cries, “I was attacked by wild animals, suffered the bends, and lost fingers and toes for this bottle.

I've spent years looking for it, and almost as long in the hospital from trying to get it. Aren't you going to tell me why it's so precious and what it's for ?"

"Um, it's a little embarrassing, actually. Why don't you just take the money and go ?"

"I'm not leaving here until you tell me what this bottle is for !" shouts the fellow.

With a sigh, the wealthy man motions for the fellow to follow him. They go into the back of the house, and the wealthy man presses a hidden button to reveal a secret door.

Behind the door is a small room with another door, behind a strong gate. The wealthy man unlocks the gate, unlocks the door, and opens the heavy vault door behind it with a combination. Inside the vault are thousands of bottles lined up neatly, wall to wall and floor to ceiling, with one vacant spot labeled "tis". Gently the man places the bottle in its spot, and declares "There you go."

"Oh, come on," the fellow replies. "There has to be more to it than that."

With a sigh, the man picks up a delicate, padded mallet that hangs nearby and gently begins striking the bottles, and a tune emerges.

"'Tis the season to be jolly..."

[Lory]

GOOD, HAD OR UGLY!

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter or son.
Bad: She /He keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

[StevanHogg]

A man's on his deathbed with his wife sitting near him. He says "Dear wife, I must confess certain things to you before I die."
She says, "Hush now, husband, you're fading fast."
He says, "But this is really important, I must tell you so I can die with a clear conscience! I slept with your best friend, your sister, and your mother!"
She says, "I know, that's why I poisoned you."

[Bigger Andy]

Why God invented Menopause

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby ?” someone asked.

"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now ?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now ?"

"No," Replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby ?"

"When it cries," she told them.

"When it cries ?" They demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it cries ?"


"Because, I forgot where I put it !"

[Lory]

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.

One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go
faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes
off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting
conversation. But let me ask you a question first:

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes
pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why
is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified
to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know sh1t?"

[Bigger Andy]

Duck Hunt.

Five doctors went out on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead.

The GP raised his shotgun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not.

The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot.

The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck ?

The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom !! He blew it away.

Then he turned to the pathologist and said, "Go see if that was a duck."

[Gordon J Pownall]

Fatties. Avoid eating between meals by simply allowing yourself 20 meals per day.

Adventurous lovers. Sprinkle talcum powder on each other's bums, then lie on the floor and fart up in the air to send each other sexy 'bum-smoke signals' across the bedroom.

Anglers. Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

King-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. Normal-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants. Fun-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.

People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a nameplaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

Find out how many of your cat's lives are remaining by hitting it repeatedly with a mallet. The number of strokes required to bring about its demise will correspond with the number of lives that remained.

[stewart38]

My Great Dane was feeling poorly yesterday so I took him to the Vet

After 10mins the vet said Im afraid Ill have to put im down



Whys that I said some incurable internal injury ?

No he is a bit heavy