Jokes

[Donna]

Blonde haircut

A Blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can't take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The barber can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said: "Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out..."


Another...





The Duck and the Condom

Two honeymooning ducks are staying in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, “We don’t have any condoms. I''ll call room service.” So he calls and asks for condoms. The receptionist says, ''''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?'''' ''''No,'''' he says, ''''I''ll suffocate!''''

Gloves and Panties

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read:
Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.The lady at store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby
PS:The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.

[Stuart]

A bloke is standing in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the sexy blonde behind him raising her hand and smiling hello to him.

He is quite taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from. So he
says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been
unfaithful..

"Christ!" he says "Are you that strip-o-gram on my stag night that I
sh***ed on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and put a cucumber up my a**e?"

"Um, No," she says, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

[Baruch]

Native American Names

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and Shaman of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand.
Tell me, Little Broken Condom Made in China, why do you ask?"

[Donna]

Native American Names

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and Shaman of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand.
Tell me, Little Broken Condom Made in China, why do you ask?"

That's a good un!!


One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Sh***ing."

[Robin]

Really rubbish but what the hell!

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant,
who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish
manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those? asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin
Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

[under par]

Sent to me by a very bitter man hater......


Q. WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU SEE YOUR EX HUSBAND ROLLING AROUND IN PAIN ON THE GROUND?

A. SHOOT HIM AGAIN!

Q. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A MAN IS WELL HUNG?

A. WHEN YOU CAN BARELY SLIP YOUR FINGER IN BETWEEN HIS NECK AND THE NOOSE!

Q. WHY DO LITTLE BOYS WHINE?

A. BECAUSE THEY ARE PRACTICING TO BE MEN!

Q. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?

A. ONE, HE JUST HOLDS IT UP THERE AND WAITS FOR THE WORLD TO REVOLVE ROUND HIM, OR THREE,
ONE TO SCREW IT IN, AND TWO TO LISTEN TO HIM BRAG ABOUT THE SCREWING PART!

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A HANDCUFFED MAN?

A. TRUSTWORTHY!

Q. WHAT DOES IT MEAN, WHEN A MAN IS IN YOUR BED, GASPING FOR BREATH AND CALLING
YOUR NAME?

A. YOU DIDNT HOLD THE PILLOW DOWN LONG ENOUGH!

Q. WHY DO FEMALE BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS KILL THEIR MATES AFTER MATING?

A. TO STOP THE SNORING BEFORE IT STARTS!

Q. HOW DO YOU STOP YOUR HUSBAND READING YOUR MAIL?

A. RENAME THE FOLDER "INSTRUCTIONS MANUALS"

Q. WHY DOES IT TAKE 100,000,000 SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

A. BECAUSE NOT ONE WILL STOP AND ASK DIRECTIONS!

[WittyBird]

THE BACON TREE

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when
all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon,
double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can
imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up, and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded
but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying
breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Ees, a Ham Bush"

[Amir]

The Duck and the Condom

Two honeymooning ducks are staying in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, “We don’t have any condoms. I''ll call room service.” So he calls and asks for condoms. The receptionist says, ''''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?'''' ''''No,'''' he says, ''''I''ll suffocate!''''

Heard that one when I was twelve slightly different:

duck walks in to a corner store and asks for a condom.
sales guy says 'would you like me to put that on your bill?'
duck says 'what do you think, I look like a dick head?'

[Msfab]

ok seeing as im on my way to australia (currently in Singapore in a Zombie like state - so may not make any sense! )

Whats the difference between Yogurt and Australia?






Yogurt has a Culture!

to All Aussies!

[wicked blue]

Ok here's one...from singapore airport....

Two black guys turn up to a fancy dress party - the theme is to dress as an emotion. They ring the door bell, and the host answers the door. Both are wearing nothing apart from one guy has his di** in a pear and the other in a bowl of custard..\

The host exclaims that it's a fancy dress party... One guy replies (in a Jamaican accent) Yea man, we come as an emotion my friend is fu**ing dis-custard and i am deep in dis-pear!!

[Baby Peaches]

What's the chemical name for Viagra?


Mycoxaphloppin!!

[DianaS]

Joke : Q Why are pirates called pirates?

A Because they RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (said in a sort of piratey voice)

BFG

[Northants Girly]

Joke : Q Why are pirates called pirates?

A Because they RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (said in a sort of piratey voice)

BFG

I don't get it . . . . .

[DianaS]

I don't get it . . . . .

Its really FUNNY Ng say ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr in a manly rough kind of voice

or phone me and I'll do it!!

[under par]

I don't get it . . . . .

Duh




What comes around goes around!

[Northants Girly]

Duh

What comes around goes around!

Yeah yeah - guess I asked for that

Still don't get the damn joke though . . .

[DianaS]

Yeah yeah - guess I asked for that

Still don't get the damn joke though . . .

I'll phone

[Robin]

: The blonde bride.

On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a
sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only
to find that her new husband, who was Catholic, had settled down on the
couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he
replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous
thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

[Robin]

Three women are on their way to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.



St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"


The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Robin]

The Lotus & the Mishpokheh: The Principles of Jewish Buddhism
>
>
>1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the
>wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such
>round shoulders.
>
>2. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you
>never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
>
>3. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
>
>4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the
>following: Get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
>
>5. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that
>not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
>
>6. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
>
>7. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and
>attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
>
>8. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The
>Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides.
>The Tao is not Jewish.
>
>9. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second,
>satisfaction. With the third, Danish.
>
>10. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all
>sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being
>who happens to be Jewish?
>
>11. Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things
>faster.
>
>12. To find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand
>flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten
>thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
>
>13. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
>