A drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons and says. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up..........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'
I want all of my friends to feel what I felt when I read this. I hope it touches your heart like it did mine.
A little boy says to his mother,
"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied,
"Don't even go there!
From what I remember about that party, "
.
.
.
.
.
You're fu*king lucky you don't bark!
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
Al Qaeda have hidden a bomb in a tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti.
The Home Office said if it goes off, it could spell disaster.
Picture it....Tommy Cooper
I met this guy and he was playing a digeridoo, and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal !
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins, it was a a turtle distaster !!
I was reading a book today, The History of Glue, I can't put it down !!
The recruitment officer asked me what did I think of voluntary work, I told her ' I wouldn't do it if you paid me ' !!
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but he bloke who answered just went on and on !!
This cowboy walks into a German car show room, and he shouts 'Audi' !!
if you love the life you live then you'll get a lot more done
THE MAILMAN'S LAST DAY
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom -- where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. '...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said,.......but what's the dollar for?'
'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day.... and that we should do something special for you I asked him what to give you?'
He said, "....screw him ........give him a dollar."
She then blushed and added, '....But the breakfast was my idea!
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: September 22nd 2009.
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. It's f**king hot down here!
Mum. Dont panic but Ive been stopped for drink driving by the police.
I failed the breathalyser and they took a urine sample.
That showed positive too, so when nobody was looking I stole the sample and ran off.
The police are chasing me now for taking the ****.
Two monkey's in the bathroom, one jumps into the bath and says to the other "oo, oo, oo, ah, ah, ah"
The other monkey replies "Well put some cold in then!"
Sorry...I'll get my coat.
Fred went to the doctor's office to ask for a double dose of Viagra.The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?' asked Fred
"Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad,' said Fred
"Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
Fred answered, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay , I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any bad side effects."
On Monday, Fred dragged himself in to the doctor's office, his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
Fred said, "No one showed up."
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law who is 103 & says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
a g b n
Apologies for my last post, it was bang out of order!
An engineer is walking up and down the beach one day when a voice booms from the heavens
"Engineer you have been a good engineer you have revolutionised the world with your structures. In recognition of you work I will grant you a wish of anything you desire”
So the engineer walks up and down the beach thinking and says
“God I would like a bridge from San Francisco to Hawaii”
“Engineer, I am disappointed it would be an engineering marvel but, you should know there is not enough Iron in the world to support such a structure, there are enough men in the world to keep such a bridge from corroding away into nothing. I am disappointed but I will still grant you this one wish”
So the engineer thinks again.
“God I have recently started seeing this girl, give me the knowledge to be able to understand her, to be able to give her what she desires before she even has to ask. Let me know what she is thinking so I can make her dreams and fantasies come true”
After a long silence come the response
“Was that 2 or 4 lanes you wanted?”
St Peter sitting at the gates of heaven sorting out the books suddenly has a massive influx of people. Seeing as it was Friday afternoon and he really wanted his wine he thought we would check them in to heaven or hell quickly.
(Before I go further I should note the heaven and hell system can be easily sorted by occupation: Lawyers, barristers, Judges and Reverends are sent to hell whilst all the others go to heaven.)
Checking the list he says most of them were barristers and Lawyers but he omitted the last page of the excel spreadsheet he was given that has more lawyers and barrister but one single engineer.
A couple of weeks goes by when god gets a phone call.
“Alright big G its Satan here how goes it?”
“Ok I suppose but how did you get this number? and why are you calling me? Don’t you have souls to torture?”
“Well lets be honest 0800heaven isn’t a hard number to guess and I am calling to say thank you for the Engineer you sent down a couple of weeks ago he’s done wonders”
“Go on…”
“Well he’s put the fires out, he’s installed central heating, the daemons are behind bars and he is currently building a pool and plans to build a theme park after that”
“wh..What? He’s done all that already but that is sounding good how can you have a heaven and hell when they are both good?”
“Come on G I’ve been down here since, since forever am I not allowed down time?”
“No! Send the engineer back up now and I may let you have what is already built and done?”
“What if I don’t?”
“I’ll Sue”
“Oh you will, will you? Where you gonna get a lawyer?”
A big blue bit of Tar walks into the bar and orders a pint once he get the pint he starts ranting
"I am the hardest bit of tar on the roads, be it Lorry car or man I have carried it. I stretch the length and breadth of this country. I will not have anyone say they can find a harder road”
After this a small red bit of tar walks in, the blue tar screams, and runs to hide around the back of the pub. The red tar orders a pint quietly finishes it and walks out. The blue tar re-appears and sits at the bar
The bar man says “The hardest bit of tar are you? If you are so hard why did you run away from the red tar?”
The blue tar says “Him? He’s a cyclepath”
The Bird Feeder
I bought a bird feeder.. I hung
it on my patio and filled
it lovingly with seed...
It was indeed a beautiful bird feeder.
Within a
week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
easily accessible food.
But then the birds started
building nests in the boards
of the patio, above the table,
and next to the barbecue..
Then came the bird 5hit. It was
everywhere; on the patio tiles,
the chairs, the table ...
everywhere!
Then some of the birds
turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to
peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own
pocket.
And other birds were
boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night
and demanded that I fill it
when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even
sit on my own back porch
anymore. So I took down the
bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned
up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built
all over the patio.
Soon, the back garden was like
it used to be ... quiet, serene
and no one demanding their
rights to a free meal...
Now let's see ......
Our government gives out
free food, subsidised housing,
free medical care, and free
education and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic
citizen.
Then the illegals came by
the thousands. Suddenly
our taxes went up to pay for the
free services; small flats
are housing 5 or more families; you
have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by a doctor in an emergency surgery
because it is filled with illegal non tax payers;
your child's year 12 class is
behind other schools because
over half the class doesn't speak
English.
Corn Flakes now come in a
bilingual box; I have to
'press one' to hear my bank
talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other
than 'The Union Jack' are
squawking and screaming
in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.
It's just my opinion but:
maybe, just maybe,
it's time for the government
to take down the damn bird feeder.
Or, if not, continue cleaning up the 5hit!
is that meant to be a joke ? i see you changed the flag to "Union Jack" to make it sound less like american republican propaganda - you failed
the author does not understand birds or, well, much of anything...
Sent verbatim, as received by email this morning and I see it as ironic humour.Originally Posted by Dreadful Scathe
i see you changed the flag to "Union Jack" to make it sound less like american republican propaganda - you failed
fair enoughi would disagree, but it doesn't mean i don't love you as a person
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