Jokes

[Brian Doolan]

fair enough i would disagree, but it doesn't mean i don't love you as a person

Love you too honey, watch James doesn't scratch your eyes out

[Kazibaby]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be the Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law..
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The fkn' funeral director would be my first guess'

[Baruch]

Corn Flakes now come in a
bilingual box

Mine don't. I wish they did.

I have to
'press one' to hear my bank
talk to me in English

Whereas I have yet to find anyone at my bank to deal with me in Welsh...

and
people waving flags other
than 'The Union Jack' are
squawking and screaming
in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.

Yes, and I'm one of them. I've been an active campaigner for fair play and equality for Welsh speakers for years. You want to talk about rights and liberties? Try being a second-class citizen in your own country.

Sorry, no personal attack intended, and I know this was meant to be a joke, but frankly it just comes across as imperialistic claptrap!

[philsmove]

Whereas I have yet to find anyone at my bank to deal with me in Welsh...
!

I think the Post Office do

[Brian Doolan]

Yes, and I'm one of them. I've been an active campaigner for fair play and equality for Welsh speakers for years. You want to talk about rights and liberties? Try being a second-class citizen in your own country.

Hello Baruch I ceudod Gloywy i fyny 'ch buchedd at yn ateb i mewn 'm enilla Cymraeg. 'm 'n ddiweddar bostio was 'n ddiwall 'n ddarpar fel cellwair a Cawn na arfeddyd chan yn dymchwel unrhyw aelod chan 'r deneuo blingedig Cymraeg areithwyr chan heddiw s yn darfod aelodaeth. Serch cellwair ydy 'n annichellgar cellwair , 'na beunydd has at bod somebody ai rhywbeth fel 'r chornia chan 'r cellwair a i mewn 'm bostio , Cymraeg areithwyr were mo crybwylledig Enjoy 'ch ddiwrnod a Mai Aranrhod bod chennych.

[Brian Doolan]

Hello Baruch I ceudod Gloywy i fyny 'ch buchedd at yn ateb i mewn 'm enilla Cymraeg. 'm 'n ddiweddar bostio was 'n ddiwall 'n ddarpar fel cellwair a Cawn na arfeddyd chan yn dymchwel unrhyw aelod chan 'r deneuo blingedig Cymraeg areithwyr chan heddiw s yn darfod aelodaeth. Serch cellwair ydy 'n annichellgar cellwair , 'na beunydd has at bod somebody ai rhywbeth fel 'r chornia chan 'r cellwair a i mewn 'm bostio , Cymraeg areithwyr were mo crybwylledig Enjoy 'ch ddiwrnod a Mai Aranrhod bod chennych.

Run this through an English to Welsh translator, it's hilarious

Roughly, it translates to "Welsh speakers are dogs!"

[Clueless]

Did you hear about the Gluttenous, alcoholic transvestite?

all he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

[Dreadful Scathe]

Did you hear about the Gluttenous, alcoholic transvestite?

all he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

did you mean transsexual perhaps ? transvestites just wear womens clothes

[Baruch]

Hello Baruch I ceudod Gloywy i fyny 'ch buchedd at yn ateb i mewn 'm enilla Cymraeg. 'm 'n ddiweddar bostio was 'n ddiwall 'n ddarpar fel cellwair a Cawn na arfeddyd chan yn dymchwel unrhyw aelod chan 'r deneuo blingedig Cymraeg areithwyr chan heddiw s yn darfod aelodaeth. Serch cellwair ydy 'n annichellgar cellwair , 'na beunydd has at bod somebody ai rhywbeth fel 'r chornia chan 'r cellwair a i mewn 'm bostio , Cymraeg areithwyr were mo crybwylledig Enjoy 'ch ddiwrnod a Mai Aranrhod bod chennych.

Eh?

Run this through an English to Welsh translator, it's hilarious

I don't know about hilarious, but it makes absolutely no sense in Welsh! I've come across these online "translations" before and they are invariably very garbled and make almost no sense. If you want a better translator (still not perfect, but at least the translations tend to be readable) try Google Translate.

Ac wedyn, efallai byddwch yn deall y frawddeg hon!

[philsmove]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared
offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist
was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her
his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,


'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE,
RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at
the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud
voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT
THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

[jeanie]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

[Clueless]

What do you call a horse in the bedroom?

Night-Mare

[Brian Doolan]

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to
lights and darks.


Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.


Get in the shower.


Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.


Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.


Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.


Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.


Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.


Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.


Rinse conditioner off hair.


Shave armpits and legs.


Turn off shower.


Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.


Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.


Get out of shower.


Dry with towel the size of a small country.


Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.


If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.


If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.


Look at your manly physique in the mirror.


Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.


Get in the shower.


Wash your face.


Wash your armpits.


Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.


Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.


Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.


Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.


Wash your hair.


Make a Shampoo Mohawk..


Wee.


Rinse off and get out of shower.


Partially dry off.


Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath
the whole time.


Admire willy size in mirror again.


Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on..


Return to bedroom with towel around waist.


If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.


Throw wet towel on bed.

[Brian Doolan]

S O M E T I M E S


Sometimes...

when you cry....

no one sees your tears.



Sometimes...

when you are in pain.

no one sees your hurt.



Sometimes...

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress



Sometimes..

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile ..



-

-


-

-

-

-

-

-

But FART !! just ONE time...



And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! Bet you thought this was going to be one of those
gut wrenching, heart-touching, sickly sweet American stories!

[Brian Doolan]

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.00

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh".

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh".

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor............








I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."



The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[Brian Doolan]

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers.
It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important..
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope containing £2 in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day
to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "And will you be working on the house again next week?


The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
:
:
:
:
:
:

"I think so. Provided those *ankers at Jewsons deliver the *ucking bricks.."

[Itsybitsy]

Ac wedyn, efallai byddwch yn deall y frawddeg hon!

Dwi'n deall y frawddeg yna heb gorfod rhedag o drwy geiriadur gymraeg


Itsybitsy

[Baruch]

Dwi'n deall y frawddeg yna heb gorfod rhedag o drwy geiriadur gymraeg


Itsybitsy

Ti'n sylweddoli bydd hyn yn drysu pawb arall, nag wyt? Neis i weld bod rhywun arall yma'n deall iaith y nefoedd - wel, y fersiwn gogleddol, ta beth

Translation for everyone else:

Yes it is rather cold lately, isn't it? I think dancing outdoors should be avoided in this weather - well, unless you're wearing thermal undies

[Brian Doolan]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack..
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park..
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £2000. Morning-suit rental-£100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons..
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife...
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes..
No wonder men are happier.

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. ..........None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed..
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. .........She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. ......There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[Itsybitsy]

Ti'n sylweddoli bydd hyn yn drysu pawb arall, nag wyt? Neis i weld bod rhywun arall yma'n deall iaith y nefoedd - wel, y fersiwn gogleddol, ta beth

Wyt ti'n dod or gogledd ta'r de fellu? Nes i sylwi ti'n caerphilly on efallai ti di symud yna. Fel arfer dwi'n cael trafferth deall pobol y de



... yes very cold

Itsybitsy