War Advice

Lou · Report a concern about this post

A little something I was sent today....

 The US government has a new website, <A HREF="http://www.ready.gov/">http://www.ready.gov</A>. It's another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old "duck and cover" advice after WWII.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations.

<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_dont_run.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_shout.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_open_door.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder 
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/bio_vis_substance.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo.
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_flashlight.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you! 
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_chem_wash.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand. 
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_cover_nose.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the hell away. 
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_chem_area.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it. 
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_chem_affected.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically. 
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_closed_door.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

If a door is closed, karate chop it open. 

<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_rad_time.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile 
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/nuc_vis_building.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_high_windows.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_high_stay.gif" WIDTH=152 HEIGHT=169>

-- If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run away.
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/bio_vis_resp.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop. 
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_dust.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_drop_roll.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_car_wire.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_rad_shield.gif" WIDTH=153 HEIGHT=169>

-- A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation. 
 
<IMG SRC="http://www.geocities.com/zoi_sama/food.txt" WIDTH=92 HEIGHT=97>

Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die an agonising death.

Dance Demon · Report a concern about this post

Graham · Report a concern about this post

I've just had to wipe away tears of laughter - brilliant!

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